Saturday Horror Movies :: Heebie Jeebies and Sharknado
Saturdays have been horror movie nights for quite some time now, and most Saturdays, the horror movie fare consists of the implausible, more than the terrifying. It is hard to resist spending an evening mocking the television screen and laughing together at the ridiculous. Sure, there are exceptions, and as someone who is easily scared and startled, there are plenty of times when I have a blanket at the ready to cover my eyes with, hiding away in irrational fright. Whether the film choices are heart-racing or laughter-inducing, it is a tradition I have come to enjoy and have decided to share our Saturday horror movie choices here at lyriquediscorde.
Both of this week’s selections are of the cheesier variety, both coming from one of our favorite sources for the “so bad they are (mostly) good” movies, the SyFy network.
Heebie Jeebies (2013)
Crazy with greed and poor business sense “Cash for Gold” company owner, and heir to a cursed mine in the town of Golderton (yes, Golderton of the Gold Mine Monster) sets loose an odd and implausible (seriously, how does this thing stay upright?) monster who is out to seek his vengeance. Said monster of the mine curse eats gold, and people, and also bleeds, and possibly urinates, gold liquid (yeah, ewww). Oh, and the monster also produces some kind of infectious gas which paralyzes anyone in its nearby vicinity (except for “Cash for Gold” guy, of course) with fear.
The movie is filled with typical bad horror movie tropes and cliches, stars a few TV actors from the past (Marion Ross of Happy Days fame, and Michael Badalucco from The Practice), a veteran of horror movies (Jennifer Rubin of Bad Dreams, Screamers and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, to name a few), some irresponsible teens who spend the majority of the movie trying to find a place to drink and have sex, and an all-knowing Chinese woman who foresees the coming of the monster (though we never are told why), is referred to as a “Tiger Grandma” (not the only racial stereotype by a long shot) and also does not speak any English at all until the very end. Oh, and a Deputy who suffers from near constant panic attacks (and mocked for them throughout the entire movie, another ewww) except when he is practicing hypnosis and breathing techniques with the town coroner (related, of course, to the woman who can foresee the monster, and his unrequited love interest).
The only saving moment in this movie for me was at the very beginning, when a Federal Agent representing American mines is bribed by “Cash for Gold” guy with his giant gold belt buckle (see below) and an obnoxiously shiny gold chain – at least this garnered both a laugh and a head-tilted “huh?” from me. Beyond that moment, though, this was not a good film, nor a “so bad its good” one, either.
That gold belt buckle will soon be hers!
Sharknado (2013)
I have a soft spot for implausible shark-creature-disaster movies that look science and logic straight in the face, steal maybe a tiny bit of truth, and then run amok with the rest. This is the most recent of this genre, one that has already had its way with Twitter and was “highly anticipated” in our household, if only for the ridiculousness-factor.
Of the standard cliches, it has the past “as seen on TV” celebrity (Ian Ziering from Beverly Hills 90210), as well as a not so past “as seen on TV” celebritie (Nova from Make It or Break It and Chuck Hittinger from Pretty Little Liars), as well as a “where is he/she now” movie celebrities (Tara Reid and John Heard). We also were graced with a horror movie veteran (Jaason Simmons of Bloody Mary, The Devil’s Tattoo, Frankenstein Reborn! and Frankenstein and the Werewolf Reborn!).
Some of the highlights were the town drunk (John Heard) saving a woman’s trapped dog with his favorite bar stool, mass destruction of the Santa Monica pier (I have a weird theory of the pier being cursed) which included the Ferris Wheel rolling down the pier onto the city streets and into a beach-facing hotel, raining sharks falling onto recognizable Hollywood landmarks (there goes the Hollywood sign, there goes the Roosevelt Hotel sign, plop goes a shark onto the Grauman’s Chinese Theater walk of fame), and the most insanely unbelievable to the point of “too ridiculous” ending ever (I won’t spoil anyone reading, but trust me, it was over the top implausible even for a movie like this one).
This one was my choice of the best of the night, though it is certainly not my favorite in the shark-creature-disaster movie category. I actually felt the first half of the movie was stronger than the back half, or perhaps it was just a more enjoyable ride until they pulled up and picked up the ex-wife (Tara Reid) and daughter (Aubrey Peeples) which were the most unlikable of the bunch, and who were unfortunately never eaten by any of the raining down and tornado launched sharks.
See, it really could have eaten her right then and there!
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