The first song of the day becomes the Song of the Day. I woke early, before my alarm, the sun not yet high in the sky, but thinking about it. A second cup of coffee in my hand while I proof a report for a meeting later. It already feels hot outside. This time of the Summer always feels this way, a bit too warm for the Fall-fantasies I’m starting to entertain. I think its time for some music. I find my headphones between my side of the bed and my nightstand. Insomnia grabbed a hold of me around 12:58am last night so I put them on and found some ocean wave sounds. Its been far too long since I stood near the ocean since I could see the waves, and not just hear them through a meditation app on my phone. I used to visit the ocean so many times in the Summer. All year really. But, life gets so busy, and we don’t always take the time to do the things we love, do we?
I opened up Spotify, headphones in, sitting on my bedroom floor with coffee, and the report up on my laptop screen. I wasn’t sure where I’d go to, music-wise. Whether it would be something familiar, an album or a playlist I’d made, or would it be something new. I’m a fan of the Discover Weekly playlists and do enjoy taking a listen to what’s been recently released. But before I could decide which way to go, I noticed this song was all queued up. I don’t remember listening to it, so maybe it was what was up-next after a playlist finished. However it got there, I decided it would be my first listen – and it was a perfect choice.
“Pedestrian At Best” by Courtney Barnett
from the album, Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit (2015)
“I love you,
I hate you,
I’m on the fence,
it all depends,
whether I’m up or down.
I’m on the mend,
transcending all reality.
I like you,
despise you,
admire you.
What are we gonna do when everything all falls through?”
An existential crisis with a beat you can dance to. Fitting of my mindset lately. My emotions on full-throttle, along with my anxiety. Back in therapy after more years than I can remember anymore. Diagnosis holding hands with re-occurring self-esteem issues, and all that fear of abandonment. When do we get to leave that shit behind?
Face-to-face with fears and self-harming tendencies, while I try to see clearly this time. Music helps. Taking a day to rest does, too. Communication is key, but it’s hard when you can’t make yourself clear, even to yourself. All I can do is keep trying with a second cup a coffee, music turned up loud, mindfulness on tap, and a heart that doesn’t know how to stop loving. Hopelessly hopeful, though I feel my optimism fading. I try to hang on to her. Tell her it will all be alright. Turn on the sound of waves. Promise myself a trip to the ocean. Someday. Soon.
Get up and move.
This song is a good start to a new week/new day/another Monday.
