Getting to the song of the day at night this time around. Found myself volleying from song-to-song all day, trying to find the one that fit. It’s been a carnival ride emotional kind of day, with highs, and drops, and confusions. The world feels like we have fallen into the darkest timeline while some things in my life seem to be phoenix through the fire, or I don’t know, getting worse than getting better. Bits and bobs of good news here and there, moments of realization, of glimpses of healing, the sun shining on my wildly growing house plants. It’s hard to make sense of it all. The good and the bad, all at once. I suppose this is how it’s always been, but I think for so much of my life I’ve been stuck looking and worrying about my life, my kids life, trauma gazing (a bit darker than navel gazing) to open my view to the rest of the world, the rest of everything. Perhaps part of healing is opening up my field of vision. Sucks that it’s widening as so much in our country is narrowing and restricting. Its starting to feel a little Atwood Handmaids around here, and it is chilling to see. I try to believe we can rise up and fight for change, but it’s so easy to get complacent, to navel or trauma gaze, to binge watch, to stress over work and money and if someone bought the coffee. How do we all refocus and widen our collective gaze?

Not sure how any of these ramblings tie-in to the song for today except that Rilo Kiley’s view always seemed wider than mine, and this song always makes me feel in capital letters – FEEL. It’s a scream-sing-cry-in-the-car song and tonight I need all of that.

“And sometimes when you’re on,
you’re really fucking on,
and your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme,
that the good seems fucking cheap,
and it teases you for weeks in its absence.

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through,
you’ll fake it if you have to,
and you’ll show up for work with a smile.
You’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up,
and a better daughter or son,
and a real good friend.

You’ll be awake,
you’ll be alert,
you’ll be positive though it hurts,
and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends.
You’ll be a real good listener.
You’ll be honest,
you’ll be brave.
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful.
You’ll be happy!”