Trying to push through pain today. I feel like I’ve had a week of it, this week. A week of trying to fight through physical pain, as well as swim through the muddy gunk of emotional pain. I’m making progress. I see a light of hope. But, some days – like today – are hard. When my body isn’t feeling okay it’s hard to keep my emotions okay.
I’ve been learning about integrated medicine, and am happy to be a part of a clinic that supports it. I’m also aware of my privilege to be able to have this available to me due to employment, insurance, a car to drive to appointments in. It upsets me/hurts my insides to think this isn’t available to everyone. Physical-mental-emotional well-being is so intertwined, and help for all should not be a privilege.
I’m feeling a lot of feelings today. I’m trying to quell anger, as well as pain. Anger for the world, and for myself. There’s a lot going on in me right now.
So, how about we turn up the music and try to ease our way through the day. What do you say?
Give Me Five – May 12, 2021
Song 1: “I Want You To Love Me” by Fiona Apple
“I move with the trees,
in the breeze,
I know that time is elastic.
And, I know,
when I go,
all my particles disband,
And, I’ll be back in the pulse.
And, I know none of this will matter,
in the long run.
But, I know a sound is still a sound,
And while I’m in this body,
I want somebody to want.
And I want what I want.
And I want you,
to love me.
I can’t get over how good this song is. How much like poetry it is. How I can hear it, when I read the words, being broadcasted across a crowded room, as spoken word. I love the rhythm in the language, the philosophy in the sentiment, the emotion in the way Fiona sings it. How guttaral and of the body it ends up at the end of the song. I feel this song in my guts, in my bones, in my everything.
Fetch The Bolt Cutters is an amazing album. Fiona is amazing.
Fiona has said, about this part of the lyrics above:
“all my particles disband,
And, I’ll be back in the pulse. “
was inspired by a revelation she had at a meditation retreat she attended, in 2010, at the Spirit Rock Meditation Center, in California. After days of intense meditation, she felt a throbbing. Surrendering to it, she had a vision of a pulsating space that formed between the other women on the retreat.
She explained further to Vulture:
“I knew then what life and death was. It’s the pulse. We all share it, and it sounds so cheesy. But it wasn’t in my head; it was out of it. It was among us all. It was something we were all in together. It was this place of home, this pulse we would all be in. I felt like I had found it and everything felt so beautiful.” (source: Songfacts)
To help support Fiona’s music, click here.
Song 2: “One More Time, Please” by Jay Som
“I’m not okay.
I don’t feel like I’m here.
We’re not the same.”
This song hits deep today.
Jay Som (Melina Duterte) worked with video director Christopher Good and Andreina Byrne for the music video for “One More Time, Please”. It was meant to represent an anxiety-inducing trip that fins the main character obsessively covering her hands in glitter as she sings about not being okay.
“We wanted to honor the heaviness of Melina’s lyrics by channeling the essence of madness many feel while attempting to live up to societal standards, behaviors or even personal obsessions” Both Good and Byrne explained. “This madness can become mentally and physically enslaving. We follow the main character as she attempts to satisfy these standards/obsessions until she realizes her obsession with such is more of an internalized threat.” (source: The Fader)
Jay Som is based in Los Angeles, and is a DIY and bedroom-pop singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, and producer. (source: Wikipedia)
To hear and learn more about Jay Sum, and to help support her music, please go here.
Song 3: “Tempted” by Erykah Badu and James Poyser
“I bought a toothbrush,
a flannel for my face.
new shoes and a case.
I said to my reflection,
‘let’s get out of this place’.”
A fantastic new cover song discovery. I love the original Squeeze song so much (and the movie it plays a part in, Reality Bites).
This version is very summery and upbeat in its feeling; less melancholic as the original slightly feels. I lvoe the piano, synths, and trumpets that are included – the energy they bring is what makes the cover, for me.
“Tempted” was released as a Record Store Day exclusive, in 2019, originally only available on 7″ through Yep Rock. (source: Stereogum) It was later released for streaming.
To hear more of, and about, Erykah Badu, and to help support her music, go here.
To hear more of, and about, James Poyser, and to help support his music, go here.
Song 4: “Eden” by 10,000 Maniacs
the truth is we’re not honest,
not the people that we dream.
We’re not as close as we could be.”
I’m working on a list of “no skip” albums. Albums I love so much, from start-to-finish, that they are perfect, to me. I’m never tempted to skips songs, or only listen to a few tracks.
Our Time In Eden is one of those albums. I wore the album out, in 1992, feeling every single song so deeply, so completely, that they attached to my memories, becoming part of my life-soundtrack.
This song came on as part of a playlist today and I felt tears sting my eyes. Part memory, part still so relevant to me.
I really needed to hear this song today.
To hear more of Natalie Merchant (of the original lineup of 10,000 Maniacs), and to support her music, please go here.
Song 5: “Silently” by Blonde Redhead
“I realize now,
you’re not to be blamed at all.
You didn’t choose your name my love.
You die a little in my arm.”
For years, my go-to, completely obsessed with Blonde Redhead song was the title track to their 2007 album – “23”. It was introduced to me by a past lover, and held a personal significance to the both of us. It tied back to those first moments, first kisses, first being together.
Even though we didn’t stick, the song always stuck. With me.
Lately though, it is “Silently” that I keep returning to. It is “Silently” that I am now so completely obsessed with.
To hear more of Blonde Redhead, and to help support their music, please go here.
What is your favorite from today’s five?
For May’s Give Me Five I’m featuring Kelly Vivanco’s piece “Creekside” as the Cover Art.