Mondays feel different now. I try to avoid the unwashed yoga pants and sports bra under a tank top look. It’s ok to work out like that, but after. I may not miss the heavy LA traffic commute, but I miss getting dressed for work. I miss earrings and lipstick, my chunky mary jane heels I got at Savers, skirts, and dresses. Do we still get dressed up for work if we are all working from inside our homes? My workspace is my kitchen table, my coworkers are three cats and three kids, one grown and the other two almost there. My lunch hour is spent watching TV with my boyfriend, eating leftovers or a quickly tossed salad. The days fold in, one after another, with no real definition. I’m not sure how to navigate it all.
I’m trying to write more. I’m reading more, too. Readying myself for returning to school. It was surreal enough already to think about going back to school, something I was sure I’d never get to do, but now, for it to (re)start now, with all this uncertainty and self-isolation. We will do our classes remotely, via Zoom rooms, and I wonder if it will feel different. I know connection is possible from afar. I met so many people like that, through mailing lists and journal sites, back when the internet was new. I know it can happen. But, I’m going to miss the in-class interaction. Being in the same room.
I miss a lot of things.
My birthday seems irrelevant. It seems almost silly to consider. I’ve struggled over the years with my birthday. With the ties that bound the day to someone who isn’t here anymore. It took years to separate us, and take the day back for me. I’d hoped to celebrate today with family and friends. My wish had been to go out to breakfast together, and then later, in the evening – or maybe the weekend before – go out to dinner and for drinks. But now its “stay inside” and somehow make it a celebration. I don’t really feel like celebrating, but I know – at least for my kids – I should. What I wish I could do right now isn’t even those going out plans, but it would be to just drive somewhere. I’d like to drive to the beach, to Newport and then to Balboa. Ride the ferry. Sit outside and feel the saltwater breeze hit my skin. Stop on the island for a Balboa bar. Sticky chocolate dripping on my fingers. Drive home, taking the longest route, listening to a playlist full of songs.
When this is all over it’s one of the first things I want to do. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen the ocean.
For now, it will be a future wish For now, I will listen to music in my kitchen and daydream of days when we don’t have to stay so far away from each other. For now, I will hit play and listen to today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – March 23, 2020
1. “Can’t Do Much” by Waxahatchee
from the Single, “Can’t Do Much” (2020)
“In my loneliness,
I’m locked in a room.
When you see me I’m honey on a spoon.
Do you think that you were reading my mind?
My uneasiness, materialize.”
2. “The Buzz” by Pretenders
from the Single, “The Buzz” (2020)
“It’s a drug
like any other
3. “Over Everything” by Courtney Barnett and Kurt Vile
from the album, Lotta Sea Lice (2017)
“When I’m all alone on my own by my lonesome,
and there ain’t a single ‘nother soul around,
I wanna dig into my guitar bend a blues riff that hangs,
4. “Giving Up” by Whitney
from the album, Forever Turned Around (2019)
“Though we started losing touch,
I’ve been hangin’ on because,
you’re the only one I love,
even when you’re giving up.”
5. ” Baby Can I Hold You” (demo) by Pete Yorn
from the EP, The Demos EP: Garage Sessions, Vol. 1 (2009)
is all that you can’t say.
Years gone by and still,
words don’t come easily,
Top 5 Music Obsessions – March 2020