I’m still feeling off. I’m still not feeling quite myself. I still feel full of more questions than answers, more doubts than certainty. I’m still not so sure what to do. I’m still not so sure what I want to do. I need some space to think, some time to breathe and write and sort through my feelings, without other emotions, other accusations, guilt and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. I don’t want to be called mean. I’m so afraid of that. Of anger. Of not being liked. Of being mean. I stuff my own happiness down, my wants and desires. I put everyone so far above me.
I was listening to a podcast that talked about Alanon. I always thought it was just for children or spouses/partners of alcoholics (not that I wasn’t that for years), but I didn’t realize how widespread addiction is, and co-dependency. I listened to some of the discussions and felt that tight feeling in my chest and throat. I felt the tears coming. Maybe I need to look further.
I still have so much anxiety. I’m still not sleeping well. I’m barely sleeping at all. I still have a twitch in my eye. I still have that shortness of breath panic feeling. It comes in like a riptide. Like those red flag warning days at the beach, when the surf isn’t safe. I don’t feel safe. Swim at your own risk.
I’m tired of always being the one less in need. The one who has to keep all their shit together. The one who is so strong. Who “doesn’t need anyone”. Who doesn’t deserve to complain or be unhappy.
But, I’m not tired of music. I’m not tired of coffee, or exercise. I’m not tired of going to the movies, or singing songs loud in the car, or feeling so connected with my kids. The sun outside felt good on my skin this morning as I walked to go vote. The breeze was refreshing, the sky beautiful. I was greeted by the neighbor cats who like to hang out in our driveway. We’ve given them all nicknames. I stood outside for a while this morning. Alone. Trying to breathe in deep. Trying to clear my head. Trying to feel me more. Trying to feel okay in my skin.
Nobody said it would be easy.
Today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions include a Kristin Hersh song that I just can’t get enough of today. “Listerine”. I forgot how much I love her 2001 album, Sunny Border Blue. I read her memoir recently. So good. I want to see Kristin play live sometime soon. Solo. I’ve been lucky enough to see her play with Throwing Muses twice. I want more.
Next is “Sea, Swallow Me” by Cocteau Twins and Harold Budd. How have I never heard this song before today? Thank you Spotify Discovery Playlist, you always bring me such aural gifts. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this album either. The Moon and the Melodies, from 1986.
I am still so obsessed with King Princess and her most recent album, Cheap Queen. Every song is so fucking good. Every time I think THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE I get obsessed with another track. Today it’s “Prophet”.
“Modern Love” by David Bowie has been in my head ever since I watched the film Frances Ha a month or so ago. Then it got stuck in my head even harder when I heard it in the Hulu series “High Fidelity”. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with this song in a way that I never have before. Harder and deeper than I did back in 1983. I need to keep playing it over and over again. It makes me want to run and jump through the streets of New York.
I love the joy and sense of freedom Greta Gerwig is exuding in this scene. I LOVE IT.
Last, but not least, is another new discovery (thank you, Spotify – from my Daily Mix 2). “We Will Always Love You” by The Avalanches and Blood Orange. I love the lyrical sample taken from “Hammond Song”.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – March 3, 2020
1. “Listerine” by Kristin Hersh
from the album, Sunny Border Blue (2001)
“I’m lying on the couch.
Scary memories fill my mouth.
How did I love a breaking thing?
How did I sleep through a kidnapping?”
2. “Sea, Swallow Me” by Cocteau Twins and Harold Budd
from the album, The Moon and the Melodies (1986)
“All you know,
is when I’m with you,
I make you see.”
3. “Prophet” by King Princess
from the album, Cheap Queen (2019)
“Someone’s friend is talking like they know,
oh, you’re on it.
I just wanna be your pretty girl,
when you want it.”
4. “Modern Love” by David Bowie
from the album, Let’s Dance (1983)
“I know when to go out.
Know when to stay in.
Get things done.”
5. “We Will Always Love You” by The Avalanches, featuring Blood Orange
Single: “We Will Always Love You” (2020)
“We’ll always love you but,
that’s not my fault.
We’ll always love you but,
that’s not the point.”
Top 5 Music Obsessions – March 2020