I woke this morning with an all-over feeling of motivation, initiative, and heaps of hope. 2019 has been challenging, so far, and its taken me some time to feel that surge of positive energy that I typically start a new year with. But, I’m trying to give myself a bit of grace, and patience, so I was all ready for today to be that “start of the year” day, with all that energy, hope, motivation, drive, and all the rest of that begin again stuff. I set my alarm for an extra half hour to give me time without rushing. I did my make-up, using tips that my daughter showed me the day before. I took time doing my hair, something I don’t often take time for. I had a cup of coffee before preparing one to carry along in the car. I even read two chapters of the book I’m reading while enjoying that early cup of coffee. I felt like this was going to be a really good start to the week.
The universe is determined to challenge me this year, though. When I got out to my car my back tire was completely flat, as the rain poured down all around me. Thankfully, my boyfriend was wonderful and helped me deal with it, even getting the tire for me since I don’t get paid until the end of the week. I don’t know what I would have done today without him.
Because I’m trying to stay positive, and not let anxiety eat me alive, I will say that at least we got some stolen time with each other. And, it was yet another reminder that we are a good team together, there for each other in good and bad times, as well as rainy, flat tire times. I got to avoid a lot of the morning commute to work traffic, too. And, I made it into work, albeit hours late. I’m still determined to make this a good and productive day.
Some things will have to be taken off my goals for the day. The walk I was going to take at lunch not only got rained out but because I got to work so late, I won’t be able to take a lunch hour. I may not be able to do as much writing as I wanted to (again, due to the late arrival to my office). But, I should still be able to accomplish everything else. I hope.
Maybe this year is trying to teach me patience, grace, and to appreciate the people I have in my life. I appreciate them so much already, but maybe I need to more. And, perhaps 2019 is trying to teach me to be more flexible, and easier with myself when my expectations and goals don’t quite make it. I know expectations are definitely something I’m trying to do away with. It’s hard to do, though. And, it’s hard to not be hard on myself, to not be impatient, and to not expect a lot. But, I’m trying.
The rain is beautiful outside. My boyfriend is good to me. My daughter made me smile a few times already today. And, the music is here – as always. It still can be a good day.
“I Love You But I Don’t Know What To Say” by Ryan Adams is Today’s Song of the Day.
It is the 11th track on his 2011 solo album, Ashes and Fire. The last track before the acoustic version of the opening track, “Dirty Rain”.
Ashes and Fire is an album that I’ve not listened to as much as other Ryan albums. I’m not as familiar with the songs, so when I heard “I Love You But I Don’t Know What To Say” come on one of the Daily Mixes Spotify makes for me every week I didn’t recognize it. I was moved by it, though, and hit play again three more times while driving in the rain. It’s a beautiful love song, one full of real emotion, especially in the sentiment of not knowing what to say.
I’m the first to admit that silence scares me. When there is nothing said between myself and someone I love I fear the worst. I don’t know why I feel that way. I know I always have, even when I’m in a relationship that requires no fear and worry. Not that I’ve been in one until now, not really, not ever. That said, it still scares me when silence settles in between us. Maybe I need to play this song or repeat it in my head, whenever silence, and its accompanying fear set in. It might just help me to remember that love is still there in the silences. Our love for each other is always there.
“I Love You But I Don’t Know What To Say” by Ryan Adams
from the album, Ashes and Fire (2011)
Song of the Day
“I promise you I will keep you safe from harm,
and love you all the rest of my days.
When the night is silent,
and we seem so far away –
oh I love you and I don’t know what to say.”