Today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions were all songs I heard on my commute in this morning. They all mark different moments, and feelings, as I made my way through some sadness and pain, and turned it around to hope and a bit of a better mood. I’m still shaky and there are parts of me that are still sad, but I’ve decided to put it away in yesterday, put it in the past, and hang on to the good bits, the better mood, the hope, and so much love that I feel, more and more with each day. Sometimes the best coping skill is to get over things, move on, and not stop believing. That’s what I’m doing now…with a little help of 5 Music Obsessions of the Day.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Monday, September 17, 2018
1. “Ice Cream” by Sarah McLachlan
from the album, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (1994)
is better than ice cream,
better than anything else that I’ve tried.
And, your love,
is better than ice cream.
Everyone here knows how to cry.”
I haven’t listened to Sarah McLachlan, or Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, in years. This was a big album to me in 1994, and for the rest of the 90’s, actually. I saw her sing this song three times at three years of Lilith Fair, and a few times when I saw her live on her own. I always loved this song, but never really felt a love that this song fit. Not until now.
Hearing this song randomly this morning made me cry, and then made me smile, and laugh. Ice Cream is one of our things. Last night when things were tough and we were both feeling the aftermath of a first fight, and when I was so deeply sad, he suggested that ice cream would make us feel better. It did help a little. And, this morning, hearing this song, and thinking of ice cream, and our love, I know having these “us” things helps. Like ice cream. But that his love is bigger and better than any frozen dessert could ever be. Even with crumbled up Trader Joe’s Windmill cookies on top.
2. “This Thing That I’ve Found” by The Autumn Defense
from the album, Fifth (2014)
“What is this thing that I’ve found?
And can I handle it?”
New music discovery alert, thanks to this week’s Spotify Discover Weekly Playlist.
It was the first track on this week’s Playlist, and I hit repeat three times after the first listen.
It reminded me how rare, wonderful, and big this love is that I found. It took almost fifty years. I really had given up ever finding anything like this. But, then I did. We did. And it is everything to me. We are everything to me. And yes, even on the rough days (and nights), I know I can handle it.
3. “To Be Completely Honest” by Dawes
from the album, All Your Favorite Bands (2015)
“So, you don’t need to say a word right now,
all your reasons would just flicker in the darkness.
Maybe that’s why nobody knows how,
to be completely honest.”
One of my favorite songs by Dawes. This one was hard to hear this morning, though. Last night was the first time I saw that there could be an end to us, that that might be what you wanted. And, to be completely honest, the feeling of it, of losing you, still hurts. I don’t want to ever revisit that feeling again. I hope I never have to.
4. “Fireproof” by The National
from the album, Trouble Will Find Me (2013)
Nothing breaks your heart.
How’d you get so far.”
I used to be fireproof. I used to be buried alive behind a brick wall. Like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe short story, except I’m the one who built that wall around me. It kept my heart from breaking. For years and years. But, it also kept my heart from really loving. It kept me from ever truly falling in love.
The fire may burn me now. My heart may break. But, I would never want to go back to being fireproof, and bricked up from feeling, and from love. Because honestly, no matter what, its worth it to love, to feel, to be yours. Forever, I hope.
5. “Bad Dreams” by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
from the EP, Apart (2018)
Cover of “Worried” by The Echo Friendly
“Falling in love and getting over it,
and oh too fast.
I envy the futures of all my friends,
I get jealous about your past.
If it gets too close,
if it gets too much,
I’m scared I’ll disappear.
I might step back,
or go too far,
but I’ll wait for you right here.
Pessimistic as it seems,
sleep will never come that easy,
we will always have bad dreams.”
Watching the sky change colors through a fitful night of little sleep and bad dreams. I kept going through what happened, words that were said, and the fears that I have that I’m ever trying to quell. It’s hard when they get hit on in a way that my fears feel realized, feel true and all too possible. Losing him, and losing us, even though I worry about it, and even though my issues try to remind me of the possibility until last night I never really believed I could lose you, or lose us. Its hard to feel like I was wrong. Its hard to have heard the reality of it from your lips.
But, I’m determined to put it behind us. To believe it isn’t true. That it isn’t what you think, or want. Every time I fell asleep I had the same nightmare, the same bad dreams, that we were not what you wanted. That you were saying goodbye. But, those were words said in anger, and they were words that I am trying to believe were not true.
I’m determined to forget that it was ever spoken out loud. And, I’m determined to continue to push through my deep-rooted fears, and insecurities, and believe that we are forever. Because, in my heart, we are forever, and nothing will ever change that for me.