A melancholic morning. I’m not sure where its come from, the melancholy, but it’s here, clouding up my Friday. I’ve had two nights of bad dreams. I know they are fueled by anxiety and worry. I am quite good at putting things aside that I cannot control, making my waking hours a bit lighter, and easier to navigate. But, my subconscious isn’t easily fooled and finds the things I box up, opening them up, and messing with them enough that they infiltrate my dreams. Nights like these cause me to wake frequently throughout the night. Falling back asleep is never easy, so I spent time tossing and turning, and staring at the window trying to gauge the time by the light, or lack thereof, in the sky.
My worries fit into a few different categories right now. One is health related. Mine. Another is money-related. It ties into the health concerns in some ways, and in others, it is connected to my worries about the near future. There is so much that relies on me and my ability to keep going, to keep us all afloat, and to provide. Responsibility has always been enormous in my life. I can’t recall a time when I didn’t carry a huge amount of it, taking care of far more than I can fathom doing. But, I do it. I carry on. Some days it feels so incredibly overwhelming though. Today is one of those days.
I tend to be an optimist. Forever trying to stay positive and look at the good in everything. Hope is something I’ve always clung to and believed in. Most people who know me know this about me. More than know, though, they rely on it. I’m sensitive to others emotions. I can spot fluctuations in mood easily, and as a nurturer, I want to make everything better, or at least a little easier, for those I love. It makes it hard to have bad days though. And, it makes it feel near impossible to have moments of weakness, worry, and doubt. I feel like it fuels others worry, stress, and upset, which breaks me a little inside. I don’t ever want to be the cause of someone else’s unhappiness. So, it puts me in a precarious position. I’m the one who is supposed to believe and hope and see all those silver linings and possibilities. If I’m worried, stressed, concerned, or at all doubtful, I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
Thus the boxes full of worries and concerns. The ones I tape up tightly and try to shelve somewhere out of reach. A game of emotional hide-and-seek I play with myself, I suppose. But, my subconscious knows all my hiding places. The best I can do on days like today is find new places to tuck the worries and concerns away in and turn the music up a little louder. Make lists of all the joy and bliss in my life. Noting all the things I’m so lucky to have. Love. Family. Friendship. Music.
Convince myself that everything is going to be okay. Its hard, and sometimes makes me feel very alone, but I keep trying. The key is to always keep trying.
“Wait” by Alexi Murdoch
from the album, Time Without Consequence (2006)
Song of the Day
“And if I stumble.
And if I stall.
And if I slip now.
And if I should fall.
And if I can’t be all that I could be,
will you wait for me?”
I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a life-changing love in my life. A forever love. My kids are all with me, and they are amazing to know, and love. I have a good job. I have my writing and my music obsessions. I have good friends. And, I have a home I really love. Something I haven’t had in a long time. All of these blessings make me feel guilty for having a rough day like today. And, they make me want to push harder to get through it and get back to my optimistic, positive self. I know I’ll get back there. I always do.