Today feels like it should be Saturday. I’m not sure exactly why, except that maybe yesterday felt different than most Thursdays. Longer in some ways, shorter in others, and full of varying emotions. I think I’m feeling both tired and melancholic today, a little grey, or blue, on the inside, which is making me wish that it was a non-work day. I could have used a few more hours sleep, and a bit more time to breathe. I’m still sifting and sorting through emotions that caused me to react badly to things last night. I try to be self-aware, and unafraid of examining the root cause of things. I’m not afraid of admitting I’m wrong, or that I’m overreacted/have overreacted. But sometimes its hard to sort through the complexities of my heart and mind to find those causes. And maybe sometimes they are just too hard to look at closely.
I think fear is playing a part. Fear of things going wrong. Fear of things falling apart. Fear of not being able to survive. And fear of being left. I think disappointment is there, too. I’m getting past the initial pain of losing the idea of something that became more than just an idea to me, but there is still remnants of hurt there. Sometimes it feels like regret. Sometimes it feels like a striking realization that I was stupid to believe certain things. And, sometimes its just that tearing away feeling of letting go. I know its healing over though, as each day goes by, and as my practical side steps in and reminds me that I’m not stupid, so wise up. I am more than happy with how things are, and the decisions we’ve made. I just want to get past feeling uneasy about the future and surviving together. That we will be able to make it all work, or that I can make it all work for all of us, that I can support us. I want to be able to shake the fear of losing what I waited so long to find. And, I want to sort out why certain things, and people, make me feel so threatened and scared (though I’m pretty sure its because it feeds into that fear of being left, and of losing love).
Emotions are tricky, and hard to predict, or define. I know I’m so much stronger than I used to be. That I’ve done so much hard work on myself. But, I’ve also lived for years and years behind a protective wall. Keeping myself safe by not opening up, by not letting myself really love, or be open to being loved. I want to be this open. I want to love and be loved, like this. It’s just terribly frightening sometimes. But worth it. Always, always worth it.
So, how about some songs? Music always helps. Checking in like this. Finding songs to obsess over, and listen to, and feel, it opens me up further, and the next thing I know the words flow. I’ve somehow become more personal in the last few months. That wall coming down is part of the reason. Love is, too. I know the writing helps. Just like the music does. We help, too. This love we have that’s still so new, and that is still growing. I look forward to who we will become.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Thursday, August 16, 2018
1. “May This Be Love” by Jimi Hendrix
from the album, Are You Experienced (1967)
“So just as long as I have you,
to see me through,
I have nothing to lose as long as I have you.”
I nearly forgot about this song, and how much I love it until I heard it this morning. Its so beautiful, and is so what I need to hear today. I’m not used to loving this much, and I’m not used to needing someone so much. Its good though, to be here, feeling all this now. I wish I’d had it all so much earlier. Sometimes it breaks my heart that it took so long to find this. To find him.
2. “Do Right Woman – Do Right Man” by Aretha Franklin
from the album, I Never Loved a Man the Way That I Love You (1967)
“A woman’s only human,
you should understand.
She’s not just a plaything.
She’s flesh and blood,
just like her man.”
Another favorite song off of my favorite Aretha album. Love it so much.
3. “I’ll Be On the Water” by Akron/Family
from the album, Akron/Family (2005)
“Thinking of you,
there’s lightning bolts in my chest.
I know you know.
I think our love is the best.”
I do think our love is the best. I know it is.
4. “Little Eyes” by Yo La Tengo
from the album, Summer Sun (2003)
“Little eyes are open,
but they don’t see very far.
You can only hurt the ones you love,
not the ones you’re thinking of.”
This song reminds me of our first night together, in that room above the garage. Of the mix that played as we continued to fall for each other, and as we took those first moves into intimacy. It reminds me of driving around together, listening again, and how you’ve sent me this song. Twice. How now when I hear it all I can see is you.
We have so much music that we’ve shared, and that has become ours. I hope that part of us never stops.
5. “Not Enough Time” by INXS
from the album, Welcome To Wherever You Are (1992)
“Not enough time,
for all that I want for you.
Not enough time,
for every kiss,
and every touch,
and all the nights I wanna be inside you.”
There is never enough time to spend with you. I’m not sure there ever will be. Its why I wish that we’d met so much earlier. Well, one of the many reasons I wish that.
I always want more with you. I always want more of us.