The morning after a bad bout of insomnia is always rough. A hum that feels sonic, like the ringing in your ears after a night of loud music, but subtler, settles in uncomfortably. It’s accompanied by the haze of sleeplessness, and the raw nerves that feel unnaturally exposed. Everything hurts a little. Everything seems harder to push through, but you still push, because there’s no real choice in the matter. The world does not cater to insomniacs.
I lay in bed with the cacophony of anxiety, fear, worry, and an overwhelming unsettledness. They say (who are “they” exactly) to never go to bed angry when you are in a relationship, and even though “they” are not always right, I think in this case “they” are spot on. Though it wasn’t angry. No. But it was something. We definitely did not say goodnight in a good place with each other. We hardly said goodnight at all. It added to the fear and anxiety and worry, and it was definitely wrapped up in the unsettled feelings.
The time ticked by slowly. I kept watching the sky outside the half-shuttered windows, waiting for the first signs of morning. Part of me longed for it so I didn’t have to lie there anymore feigning sleep, and feeling so alone. Part of me wanted the darkness to prevail, for the night to go endless, at least for another five or six hours, in hopes I might actually sleep. When I did drift off bad dreams took over. I prefer not sleeping to dreaming like that.
Morning came right as I was calming down some. Your arm around me, somewhat reluctantly, but there nonetheless. It helped. But I knew, as my eyes finally closed, that the clang of my alarm was coming soon. So, the day prevails. I am pushing through. Music and coffee and this clumsy attempt at writing some of it out. I still feel unsettled. I still feel anxious and worried. I still feel alone. But, I’m dealing with it in my own ways. Music. Coffee. Clumsy writing. I am so envious of those who can sleep when they aren’t feeling okay. That’s never been me.
“Angeles” by Elliott Smith
from the album, Either/Or (1997)
Song of the Day
“I can make you satisfied in everything you do.
All your secret wishes could right now be coming true,
and be forever,
with my poison arms around you.”
“Angeles” came on as I drove to work. Driving through LA in this sleep-deprived haze with this song playing felt fitting. The melancholy hit as the haze over the city began to settle, but I was too tired to cry. I wished for it though. For the release of tears. But my emotions feel locked in my chest right now. That same tightness that made it hard to close my eyes and sleep the night before. I play the track again, and then once more. It’s helping me feel less alone. It’s helping me to believe that this day can turn around, or that I will at the very least get through it. Some days are easier than others. And, some nights are harder than I expect them to be. But, everything always gets better. Always. I never stop believing that.