I’m tired today, but I feel a hope and peace and happiness that I haven’t felt as strongly since a few weeks back. I think this past weekend was something we very much needed. The rough moments, the blissful connected moments, and all the varying degrees of feelings and emotions in-between were all vital. Like oxygen, like breathing, like music, like love. There were things that were hard to accept, harder to take in, things that unleashed waves of sadness and mourning. There were things that were so perfect between us that I was immediately reminded of all the things we felt right at the start. I had so many instances of being overcome with love, a full body rush of love that I’ve never felt with anyone ever in my life. All this between us, all that we have, its hard sometimes. But it is always worth it. Even when some truths hurt. Even when some realities take away dreams of mine. Even then, I always know we find our way through them, hands held and hearts connected.
Today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions reflect the feelings of the weekend. Not necessarily in any exact way. Not lyrically, but sonically. The mood of these five songs feels like moments we had this past weekend. The highs and the lows, the tears and the laughter, the unmistakable moments of intimacy and passion and bliss. The love for each other that I believe we will never lose.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Monday, August 6, 2018
1. “Hurtin'” by Ciara O’neill
“Sun sheds light,
this hard truth,
here I’m alone again.”
A new song and artist discovery from Spotify’s Discover Weekly Playlist. Beautiful and melancholic. The strings really make this song, as does Ciara’s voice. I keep playing this one over and over.
2. “Avalon” by Roxy Music
“Now the party’s over,
I’m so tired.
Then I see you coming,
Out of nowhere.
in a motion,
or a notion.”
Sometimes we communicate without words. Sometimes the silences disconnect us. There is a process, and ebb and flow, a limbo, of sorts, that I wait in, until he is there with me, connecting, letting us connect. I wish I knew the magic combination of moments and elixirs, time of day (or night), and moods that bring us together, really together, connecting, but so much of it is a mystery to me. All I know for certain is its necessary. Beyond necessary. For both of us. And for us as an us.
3. “The Trapeze Swinger” by Iron and Wine
and how it lost me all I wanted.
Those dogs that love the rain,
and chasing trains,
the colored birds above there running,
in circles ’round the well,
and where it spells,
on the wall behind St. Peter’s.
So bright with cinder gray,
and spray paint –
‘Who the hell can see forever?’.”
One of my all-time favorite songs. This one always makes me cry.
So many tears this weekend. I feel like my body must be in a drought, like Southern California, after all the tears. I’ve spent so many years – years and years – holding back feelings, keeping tears locked up and hidden away, next to dreams I was afraid to ever recognize, much less talk about, or believe in. But now, I’m feeling everything, and I’m letting all those feelings out, even when I sometimes wish I could roll them up, wrap them carefully, and bury them far, far away.
But, I don’t. For some reason, I can’t. And, I’m not sure if that’s good, or bad. I know it causes pain when I show hurt and sadness. But, I don’t know how to lock my feelings up again. Especially not when a part of my heart breaks, and a dream is let go of. Loss is hard to get over, to face, to understand. Harder still to let go of, but I’m trying. I’m trying.
Some dreams are so hard to let go of, especially when a part of you thinks you should fight for them. Because what if I don’t fight? What if I let it go completely? Will I regret it? Will we? I don’t know.
I suppose all I can do is feel it all. Let the tears fall. And realize that not everything was what we said it would be, and go on. Because we have to go on.
4. “Till the Morning Comes” by Neil Young
“I’m gonna give you till the morning comes.”
I’m still delving in and discovering Neil Young, thanks to my love and his introductions into his songs. Today, this is the one I can’t get enough of.
I don’t know why I stayed away from Neil Young’s music for so long, but I’m glad I’m not staying away any longer.
5. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” by Bob Dylan
“I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ wallkin’ way down the road.
I once loved a woman,
a child I am told.
I give her my heart,
but she wanted my soul.
But don’t think twice,
it’s all right.”
One of my favorite Dylan songs of all-time.
Heart and soul, aren’t they a package deal? I know you have both my heart, and my soul. Always.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Week of August 6, 2018