“The Golden Age” is track one of my favorite Beck album, 2002’s Sea Change. This is his sad album, his loss album, his break-up album. Its been described as having themes of heartbreak and desolation, solitude and loneliness.  (from Wikipedia)

The interesting part of all that, to me, is that “The Golden Age” always felt hopeful to me. Perhaps a bit on the melancholic side, but layered over with peace and calm, and yes, hope. But then again, maybe that’s just me. How I choose to see things most of the time. My hopelessly hopeful sense of believing.

Most days I hold tight to my hope. I tend to see the world as a predominately good place, and subsequently, the people in the world as predominately good. Or that they at least have the potential to be good. I rarely expect the worst. Instead, I like to cling tightly to the notion, naive as it may seem, that things will go well, that things will work out, that things happen for a reason (mostly), and we end up where we are supposed to be.

But, I’m only human. Predominately good, but who has bad days. Sometimes when I happen on one of those bad days I feel like the bottom falls out of everything, and I’m out in the middle of the ocean, trying to keep afloat, trying not to be pulled under, trying not to drown. I tend to be the one who holds the ropes, the life jackets, the strength, and a sense of joy (or something akin) that I tap on to help pull the people I love to the shore. I’m an introvert who has learned to be extroverted, whose adopted ways to initiate conversations, see the silver lining, and to keep believing in the best.

The downside is when I have a bad day I feel alone. I feel like I can’t throw those ropes out because they are knotted and tangled up. And, I can’t start conversations, because words are taffy-stuck in my throat, and just bring on tears that I don’t really want to shed. It’s then that I need kindness: warm words, strong arms, a place to hang on to, and yes, sometimes just maybe a little saving.’

It’s hard to ask for this, and even harder to believe it will be given. It’s even harder when the person you love is having a bad day, too. Instead of leaning on each other, and hanging on tighter, it seems more often to be an overarching feeling of disconnection, of misunderstood words, of hurting each other without meaning to. Words come without warmth, walls go up with no visible doorway in, and feelings get bruised. How do you bypass this and be there for each other? How does one learn how to connect when it feels near impossible to? What makes it so goddamn hard sometimes?

I wish I knew.

“The Golden Age” by Beck
from the album, Sea Change (2002)
Song of the Day

“It’s a treacherous road,
with a desolated view.
There’s distant lights,
but here they’re far and few.
And, the sun don’t shine,
even when its day.
You gotta drive all night,
just to feel like you’re ok.”

I’m longing for some better days. For things to be a bit easier. For my stupid belief and naive hope to return. I’m wishing for a way in. To connect even on bad days. To not be so misunderstood. To not misunderstand. To overcome these string of rough days, and to maybe have a few good ones every once in a while. I’m trying so hard to learn how to navigate all this and to not lose my own joy and happiness and hope in the process. All I can do is keep trying, and keep loving (forever plus one), and hope for change in the future. For some fleeting glimpses of happiness again.