It was almost 11pm.

I was trying to sleep.

I couldn’t get him out of my head.

I couldn’t silence the doubts that rattled from between my ribs up, up, up into the spaces between my eyes.

I closed my eyes.

I pressed play.

Polly Jean sang to me.

At almost 11 my phone chimed.

It was him.

Apologizing for the later hour. Saying I might be asleep but that he wanted to say goodnight.

I took a deep breath. Let it out. Tried to chide myself for letting someone I hardly knew effect me so much. I tried to convince myself that he didn’t have that much effect on me.

But, he did.

“The Desperate Kingdom of Love” (live) by Polly Jean Harvey
originally from the album, Uh Huh Her (2004)

“At the end of this burning world,
you’ll stand proud,
face upheld.
And, I’ll follow you,
into Heaven or Hell.
And, I’ll become,
as a girl,
in the desperate kingdom of love.”

I still couldn’t sleep. Insomnia is weaved into my DNA, I think. And, I was shaken up, surprised, relieved, unsure, and full of wanting.

What was happening to me?

What was this already becoming?

Was I the only one feeling so fucking much?

I closed my eyes.

I pressed play.

And, Polly Jean sang to me.