Three days in and we were a blur of traded texts and tracks. The conversation flowed without hesitation. It seemed like we had no awkward pauses, no blank spots, no shortage of things to say. The music spoke for us a lot of the time, too. But, we did do a lot of “talking”. I’m pretty sure my productivity at work slowed since my right hand was constantly grabbing for my phone to respond. It felt like we were spending our days together.
If I miss anything at all from those first days its that. I miss when we texted all day. Now it seems like full days go by without conversation, even though I keep a list of things I want to say, and songs I want to send, on tiny post-it notes. There’s still so much I want to say, and share.
By Wednesday, I was anxious for us to meet. Impatient even, though I knew I’d be a nervous wreck. But, I was sure I was going to have to wait. Family obligations had my time tied up for the weeknights, and I had plans for the weekend that were not changeable.
But then something magical happened (or should I say more magical). My Friday was cleared of obligation. I could see him a week earlier. I felt breathless with excitement. I also felt the rattle of nerves snaking around those persistent butterflies in my stomach. I was nervous to ask him if he wanted to see me early. Even though my obligations had lifted, I was still between paychecks broke. I’m not built for people paying for anything for me, its not something I’ve ever been comfortable with, so assuming he’d want to see me, and not mind covering dinner, seemed daunting.
But, my wanting to meet him outweighed everything and I asked. He said yes. Our date was now set in mere DAYS. I did a ridiculous little dance around my office and my assistant laughed hysterically at me. I could feel my heart racing. I could also feel the shadow of doubt, fear, and insecurity slowly bringing its dark cover my way. I didn’t want it to ruin this. I didn’t want it near me, at all.
But he was there texting me. Sending songs. Conversing with me without pause. How could the shadow hit me with all of that going on? If anything, I started to feel confident that this was going to be something BIG. That we were really going to be something.
“Lose You” by Pete Yorn
“Cause I’m gonna lose you.
Yes, I’m gonna lose you.
If I’m gonna lose you,
I’ll lose you now for good.”
He had plans to see his sons that late afternoon/evening and told me he’d be away from his phone. He told me I’d hear from him when he was done. I remember feeling that warm rush of feeling overtake me. After my own experiences with fathers (absent, abusive, gone), it made me like him, even more, to read that he’d be with them.
I was going to miss our constant connection, but it was for the best of reasons.
I spent the evening with my own kids. We made dinner together and laughed at each other. My daughter sat in the living room with me and watched TV. But mostly we talked about him. About my upcoming date. About all of it.
I confided to her that I was afraid the timing of all this was lousy. It had been just a smidgen over a month since my break-up and I knew I was fragile emotionally, and terribly insecure because of how the break-up had been handled. I told her I was thinking maybe I should cancel, but then when I thought about it felt so wrong I couldn’t bear it.
She told me, “screw the timing”. She asked me, “what if this is the person you are supposed to be with and you don’t go for it because you’re afraid?” I said, “I don’t want this to be a regret. What if’s are the worst words ever.” She said (not asked) “you like him a lot already.”
Yes, yes I did. More than that really.
I was going to see him.
I couldn’t wait to see him.
I wanted to see him RIGHT THEN.
So, I opened up the app we met in. The one we hadn’t returned to since we’d moved our seemingly endless conversation to text. I wanted to see his pictures. I wanted to save our first words. I wanted to delete that app completely because I had no desire to talk to anyone else.
But, when I opened it our conversation was gone.
It was then that I noticed how late it had gotten.
I’d not heard a word from him.
That’s when all the doubt, panic, worry, and security came rushing in. The shadows they cast made everything dark and I felt tears in my eyes. Had he gone? Was this him ending things? The thought of it hurt more than I could have expected. How could this hurt so much? I hadn’t even met him yet. All I had were a couple of days talking and trading music. But…
those days had been everything.
And it was then I realized just how much I cared already. How HUGE my feelings were. And how much it hurt to think I’d already lost him.