Me and Tuesday are trying to make this a better day. The rough ones are taking a heavy toll on me, and I’m feeling the weight of it. I don’t like how it is making me feel, nor do I want to carry it around like a sack of rocks meant to sink me into the proverbial river. So many things keep changing, some for the better, and some not so much. I’m missing things that I don’t feel I have can say I miss. I feel lost in some of the changes. I feel like we’ve lost something I don’t know how to get back. And maybe it’s not supposed to come back. Maybe this is evolving. Maybe this is what was always going to happen.
I think I’ll feel better when the boxes are unpacked. I think I’ll feel better when I can learn the patterns of things, the way things are going to be now with us. I think I’ll feel better when I can let go of some of the expectations of things that we lost when we moved forward. I think I’ll feel better when there are fewer misunderstandings, and more understanding and patience with each other – coming from both of us. I know this is all an adjustment period.
As we say goodbye to July, and goodbye to who we were at the start, I want to remember a little bit of our history. Those first words. Those first songs we traded. The hug in front of Rudy’s. Our first kiss inside. Sitting in the park until midnight, talking and kissing. All those nights in the room above the garage, entwined, trading albums, trading words, trading no words at all. All that connecting we did so easily. I wish I could watch it all like a movie. I wish I could go back and re-live a few of those moments. Together.
I know we are forever, and I know that this is a big love. I know we can make this work.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Monday, June 31, 2018
1. “Harvest Moon” by Jane Birkin
“But there’s a full moon rising,
let’s go dancing in the light.
We know where the music’s playing,
let’s go out and feel the night.”
I love Jane’s cover of this Neil Young classic.
I was never a fan, but somehow he helped to turn me into one. Those songs, and albums, of Neil’s playing late into the night, in that room where we first made love. How could I not end up a fan?
We are music. To me, we are always music.
2. “Iguana Bird” by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
“Time overwhelms you,
let it get away.
The life you had imagined just slipped away
Time and life have been overwhelming lately, but I hope it doesn’t all slip away. I know I’m not letting go.
3. “Hold On Hope” by Guided By Voices
“Everybody’s gotta hold on hope.
It’s the last thing that’s holding me.”
I’m holding on tight to hope. I wish I could share it, gift it, kiss it into his head, and his heart. Wrap us both up in hope. And love.
4. “Sam’s Town” (live from Abbey Road) by The Killers
“I’ve got this energy beneath my feet,
like something underground’s gonna come up and carry me.
I’ve got this sentimental heart that beats,
but I don’t really mind that it’s starting to get to me.”
I’m still feeling so worn out and drained, but I’m trying to harness that energy back. I think we both need it from me.
5. “Straight to You” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
“This is the time that I’ll come running,
straight to you.
For I am captured,
straight to you,
For I am captured
one more time.”
I will always want to be with you. I will always want to return home every night straight to you.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Week of July 30, 2018
“The Golden Age” is track one of my favorite Beck album, 2002’s Sea Change. This is his sad album, his loss album, his break-up album. Its been described as having themes of heartbreak and desolation, solitude and loneliness. (from Wikipedia)
The interesting part of all that, to me, is that “The Golden Age” always felt hopeful to me. Perhaps a bit on the melancholic side, but layered over with peace and calm, and yes, hope. But then again, maybe that’s just me. How I choose to see things most of the time. My hopelessly hopeful sense of believing.
Most days I hold tight to my hope. I tend to see the world as a predominately good place, and subsequently, the people in the world as predominately good. Or that they at least have the potential to be good. I rarely expect the worst. Instead, I like to cling tightly to the notion, naive as it may seem, that things will go well, that things will work out, that things happen for a reason (mostly), and we end up where we are supposed to be.
But, I’m only human. Predominately good, but who has bad days. Sometimes when I happen on one of those bad days I feel like the bottom falls out of everything, and I’m out in the middle of the ocean, trying to keep afloat, trying not to be pulled under, trying not to drown. I tend to be the one who holds the ropes, the life jackets, the strength, and a sense of joy (or something akin) that I tap on to help pull the people I love to the shore. I’m an introvert who has learned to be extroverted, whose adopted ways to initiate conversations, see the silver lining, and to keep believing in the best.
The downside is when I have a bad day I feel alone. I feel like I can’t throw those ropes out because they are knotted and tangled up. And, I can’t start conversations, because words are taffy-stuck in my throat, and just bring on tears that I don’t really want to shed. It’s then that I need kindness: warm words, strong arms, a place to hang on to, and yes, sometimes just maybe a little saving.’
It’s hard to ask for this, and even harder to believe it will be given. It’s even harder when the person you love is having a bad day, too. Instead of leaning on each other, and hanging on tighter, it seems more often to be an overarching feeling of disconnection, of misunderstood words, of hurting each other without meaning to. Words come without warmth, walls go up with no visible doorway in, and feelings get bruised. How do you bypass this and be there for each other? How does one learn how to connect when it feels near impossible to? What makes it so goddamn hard sometimes?
I wish I knew.
“The Golden Age” by Beck
from the album, Sea Change (2002)
Song of the Day
“It’s a treacherous road,
with a desolated view.
There’s distant lights,
but here they’re far and few.
And, the sun don’t shine,
even when its day.
You gotta drive all night,
just to feel like you’re ok.”
I’m longing for some better days. For things to be a bit easier. For my stupid belief and naive hope to return. I’m wishing for a way in. To connect even on bad days. To not be so misunderstood. To not misunderstand. To overcome these string of rough days, and to maybe have a few good ones every once in a while. I’m trying so hard to learn how to navigate all this and to not lose my own joy and happiness and hope in the process. All I can do is keep trying, and keep loving (forever plus one), and hope for change in the future. For some fleeting glimpses of happiness again.
Tiny Joys and Other Rarities
A Lyriquediscorde Playlist
“Carried Away” by Carl Broemel
“Standing In the Doorway” by Bob Dylan
“Way To Blue” by Nick Drake
“The Water” by Johnny Flynn, featuring Laura Marling
“Don’t Give Up” by Feist and Timber Timbre
“Beautiful Feeling” by Polly Jean Harvey
“You’re Right (I’m Wrong)” by Colvin and Earle
“Indian Summer” by The Doors
“Scarlett” by Mark Lanegan and Duke Garwood
“Anything Goes” by Matthew Perryman
“What Hurts Worse” by Iron and Wine
“Bitter End” by The Jayhawks
“Tupelo” by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit
“Wrecking Ball” by Gillian Welch
“Islands” by Cat Power
“Blue Lips” by Regina Spektor
“(Just Like) Starting Over” by John Lennon
“The Only Living Boy In New York” by Simon and Garfunkel
“Gossamer Thin” by Conor Oberst
“I Should Live In Salt” by The National
“Razor Love” by Neil Young
“Ventura” by Lucinda Williams
“You Said” by Ryan Adams
“Somewhere In Your Heart” by Jessica Lea Mayfield
“Hi-Fi” by M. Ward
“Save Yourself” by Sharon Van Etten
“Honey and Smoke” by Neko Case, K.D. Lang, and Laura Veirs
“Chapel of Pines” by Waxahatchee
“Song for Zula” by Phosphorescent
“With Arms Outstretched” by Rilo Kiley
Tiny Joys and Other Rarities
Today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions are a blend of older and newer songs. They all came from my early morning when I was feeling lighter and brighter than I do now. Mondays are rough and today feels extra rough at that. I’m not used to being able to lean on someone else. Not at all. I forget that I have a real partner now. I need to remember it more, I think. And, for now, today, I need to turn these five up songs up higher.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Monday, June 30, 2018
1. “Feel the Pain” by Dinosaur Jr.
“I feel the pain of everyone,
then I feel nothing.”
Sometimes I hit my threshold. The strength I have hits a limit, and then it feels like I’m going to implode, and then collapse. Anxiety is hard, especially when overwhelm hits. I wish I was even more strong than I am. I want to be there for the people I love all the time.
2. “Love is Overtaking Me” by Arthur Russell
“Love is overtaking me.
And, my heart pounds out your name in the night.”
And in the day. Anytime really. I’ve never loved anyone like this.
I forgot about this song, and this album, and Arthur Russell until I heard it early today on this week’s Spotify Discover Playlist. I remember hearing this album when I was in Resistor Records when it was still open. I bought it after hearing just one song.
3. “Little Movies” by Aaron Lee Tasjan
“Watch the day unfold in little movies,
with silver tears that sparkle from my eyes.
I catch myself and turn to toughen up,
but it hurts too much to try.”
Today everything hurts for some reason. I’ve been fighting off a cold, or something. That I can feel. And I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and worried about so many things. I need a day to rest, to get some things done, and to maybe just collapse for a bit and watch a movie, or two, with my love.
4. “Idaho” by Gorillaz
there’s a beauty on the road,
and every day I look out of the bus,
silver linings getting lost.”
A song about (or maybe just called) “Idaho” is strange for Gorillaz. But, I really like it. It feels dreamy and melancholy and beautiful. It feels like a good song to kiss slowly to, even if its about (or maybe just called) “Idaho”.
5. “Valentine” by Bryan Ferry
“None of them will ever guess,
but you understand.”
Another song that seems made for kissing slowly to. But, then again, nearly everything by Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music is suited for kissing and making love, in my opinion.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Week of July 30, 2018
Today’s Song of the Day, “On Melancholy Hill” by Gorillaz, came on randomly this morning on my ride into work. The sky was bluer than expected, the air warm already but not yet a cloying Summer heat. Together it all felt pretty good for a Monday, despite the air of melancholy that started last night. I’m still adjusting to the low moods, especially when they dip down in what seems to be as unexpected. But, I think I’m learning as we go, and I’m trying to be patient, understanding, and loving. I’m trying hard to not take it personally.
Sometimes its hard though, especially when I feel so happy to be where we are together, and especially when I can see so many things that are good in our new shared life. I know that I see the world differently though, and I try to remember that. That’s part of the patience and understanding and love, that remembering, and the shift in my expectations. I know the tiny joys I find in a day do not impact him in the same way, no matter how much I wish they did. I wish I could transfuse some of my joy into him, like blood. I wish I could be a happiness doner.
“On Melancholy Hill” by Gorillaz
from the album, Plastic Beach (2010)
Song of the Day
“Well, you can’t get what you want,
but you can get me,
so let’s set out to sea.
‘Cause you are my medicine,
when you’re close to me,
when you’re close to me.”
This morning it feels tough, but I’m trying to push through it. It’s hard to put love and silliness and a tiny joy out there and get what feels like distance back. I end up feeling self-conscious right off the bat, as I feel myself withdraw. To be honest, it stings a bit. Its hard to have to tell myself what I may need right now have to wait.
I know what it feels like when we connect when we get there together. I know how amazing that feels, and how much of “us” is there then. I remind myself of that this morning. I remind myself to be patient and understanding. I don’t have to remind myself on the loving though because my love for him is always there.
“On Melancholy Hill” (live, acoustic) by Gorillaz
Today’s Top 5 Music Obsessions are full of the belief and love that I am feeling, and the hope that things will get better. That love is what matters. And, that this start of our future is something we can embrace together. That this enormous love I feel is at least a little bit enough. I’m never going to start trying, even if I’m hurting so much right now. I’m never going to stop believing in us.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – July 26, 2018
1. “(Just Like) Starting Over” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono
“It’s been too long since we took the time,
no-one’s to blame,
I know time flies so quickly.
But, when I see you, darling,
it’s like we both are falling in love again.
It’ll be just like starting over.”
This is that moment. That new start moment. The start of the rest of our lives together. What we’ve wanted since almost the start of our meeting, and falling in love. You are the love of my life.
2. “Motion Pictures (For Carrie)” by Neil Young
“I’d rather start all over again.
Well, all those headlines,
they just bore me now.
I’m deep inside myself,
but I’ll get out somehow.
And I’ll stand before you.
And I’ll bring a smile to your eyes.”
I’m not ever going to give up. I hope someday to bring that smile back to your eyes. The one I used to see every night.
3. “In My Life” by The Beatles
“In my life,
I love you more.”
4. “Angel Dream (No. 4)” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
I floated away.
Across an ocean,
I dreamed her name.
I followed an angel down through the gates.
I can only thank God it was not too late.”
It took years to find you. It took years for you to find me. I hope we don’t let this go.
5. “That’s How Strong My Love Is” by Otis Redding
“I’ll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears.
And you can go swimming when you’re here.
And I’ll be the rainbow after the tears are gone.
Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm.
That’s how strong my love is, darling.”
My love for you grows every day. I hope somehow you can feel that, even on the hardest, darkest days.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Week of July 23, 2018
Be back soon. I have some things to sort out.
Keep the music playing while I’m gone.
I was living in Chicago when Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins’ album, Rabbit Fur Coat, came into my life. My friend Andrea gave it to me for my birthday, and I played it until the CD became worn and eventually lost in one of the many moves I’ve made. That CD may have disappeared into the ether, and chaos, of change, but the album itself never left me. It is one of my all-time favorite albums, full of songwriting brilliance, songs that read like short stories, beautiful harmonies by the Watson Twins, fronted by Jenny’s emotionally complex voice.
I go through phases of saying that different songs are my favorite. Always a sign of a good album, and artist, is when that happens to me. This week, right now, today, my favorite RFC song is this one – “Happy” – track 4 off of RFC. I love the hopefulness in the song that is slow dancing with the jadedness. There is a feeling of Los Angeles in this song, the hope and the jadedness that exists all at the same time in this city.
“Happy” by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
from the album, Rabbit Fur Coat (2006)
Song of the Day
“They warn you about killers,
and thieves in the night.
I worry about cancer,
and living right
But my mama never warned me about my own
Or, the pitfalls of control,
how it locks you in your grave,
looking for someone to be saved,
and not restrained.
So I could be happy.”
I’ve wrestled with my own self-destructive tendencies, the ones that dress up in control issues and coping skills, and take a toll on me, slowly, methodically, persistently. And, I’ve looked at happiness with wonder, and with doubt, not quite sure that it was ever something to call my own. Now I sit back and feel it, breathe it in, enjoying the way it feels in my skin. To be happy.
I so want it to be a shared feeling, a small celebration. But that want feels like an unrequited wish now and I try every day for it not to take the joy from me, the lack of shared happiness. I know all the reasons. I understand them more than anyone believes. I get it and I breathe in and around and through it, telling myself over and over that I need to be patient. That I can’t expect it to be any different. And I tell myself to hang on tight to my own sense of happiness.
But, some days its really hard. Some days it feels really sad and lonely.
“Happy” (live) by Jenny Lewis and Jonathan Rice (and puppets)
Tuesday’s Top 5 Music Obsessions starts with a song that was part of a fantastic Playlist my friend Matthew made me. It is meant to get me through packing hell, as this is moving week. As much as I love our new place, and what the new of it signifies for us, I am not loving the pre-move work. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed, and worried that it will never get done. I’ve done this a gazillion times, and it never gets easier. This time feels like the hardest I’ve ever experienced.
The music helps though. It always helps. And, the first track, it reminds me how much The Cranberries music meant to me, and how much I miss Dolores O’Riordan’s voice.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – July 24, 2018
1. “When You’re Gone” by The Cranberries
“Hold on to my hands.
I feel I’m sinking,
sinking without you.
And to my mind,
stinking without you.”
This one is making me cry today.
Yesterday it just reminded me of how much I love them, and Dolores’ voice. But, today its hitting me in sore spots and making me cry.
2. “Life In a Northern Town” by The Dream Academy
“They sat on the stony ground,
and he took a cigarette out,
and everyone else came down to listen.
It was the winter 1963,
it felt like the world would freeze,
with John F. Kennedy,
and the Beatles,
That lyric has always been my favorite from this song. Another track from the playlist my friend made me. Another song I’d not heard in such a long time. Another song I really, really love.
3. “Dear Chicago” by Ryan Adams
Photo by Bob Gruen
“Life’s gotten simple since,
and it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again
I’m not crying now too much.”
One of my favorite Ryan-songs. It reminds me of Chicago, and what a mess living there was for me. And it reminds me of feeling alone, even when I’m not. And how emotions ebb and flow, sometimes in too quick of succession to be ready for. It’s hard being happy right now, even though I am. It feels lonely being happy right now.
4. “This Is the Day” by The The
“You pull back the curtain,
and the sun burns into your eyes.
You watch a plane flying,
across a clear blue sky.
This is the day,
your life will surely change.
This is the day,
when things fall into place.”
That’s what I thought this week would be.
5. “Life Is Sweet” by Natalie Merchant
“They told you life is hard,
it’s misery from the start –
it’s dull and slow and painful.
I tell you life is sweet,
In spite of the misery,
there’s so much more –
My hopeless hopeful optimist self has always loved, and related, to this song. Thank you for it, Natalie.
Top 5 Music Obsessions – Week of July 23, 2018