This morning is an emotional rollercoaster. I start with some upward movement. I can hear the click-click of the tracks as I rise. I turn the first song in my Top 5 Music Obsessions up loud. I scream-sing-a-long. I feel it. I believe it. I “convince myself”. But then I pause. Sometimes for just a quick blink. Eyelashes intersecting and splitting apart again. I feel the loss, the gap, the pain at the core of me. It feels like I’m missing a limb. I feel myself fall. Fast and hard. Then take the next curves too quickly. My breath catches and the tears fall. Reality goes upside down and I wonder for the thirteen-hundredth time. Is this just a bad dream?
And then that thing swirls in my head again. That feeling that I can’t confirm. It is blurry and off too far in the distance, and my glasses are still missing. But, something inside tells me my suspicions are true. The thought of it burns inside me. The pain is unbearable. It wants to take that upward crawl with all the click-clicks and let the anger loose. It’s in there somewhere. I know it is. But, I’m not ready for it. Not yet.
So I turn the music up even louder. I tighten my seatbelt. I put eyeliner on this time in the hopes that maybe I won’t cry again. I’m so fucking sick of crying. I try to “convince myself” again. I scream-sing-a-long and wait to go upside down again.
Top 5 Music Obsessions featuring Pete Yorn
May 24, 2018
1. For Nancy (‘Cos It Already Is)” by Pete Yorn
“Convince yourself that everything is alright,
‘cos it already is.”
On repeat. Turned up loud. Sing it until I believe it.
2. “To Be Without You” by Ryan Adams
“It’s so hard not to call you.”
We talked all day, every day. We talked about all the big and little things that make up a person, a life, a day. How do I not ever talk to him again? How?
3. “Recovering the Satellites” by Counting Crows
“Maybe you were shot down in pieces.
Maybe I slipped in between.
But we were gonna be the wildest,
the wildest people they ever hoped to see,
just you and me.”
Yeah, we were.
4. “Bloodbuzz Ohio” by The National
“I’m on a blood buzz,
God, I am.”
Just trying to get through the day. Just trying to breathe. This song is incredible turned up loud and driving with the windows’ down. It swirls and twists around me. For a moment all I feel is the music.
5. “Incredible” by Dramarama
“She calls me Moe,
and I call her Daddy-O.”
My daughter is discovering Dramarama. It was one of her dad’s and my favorite bands. I hear them playing in her room and for a moment I’ve transported so far away. It helps for a moment. To get away. Time travel through music. Its a thing.
Top 5 Music Obsessions for the Week of May 21, 2018
Thank you for the music Pete Yorn, Ryan Adams, Counting Crows, The National, and Dramarama. It helps. The music helps.