fallen

Keep Art Alive :: “Fallen” :: Art by Aaron Nagel

I wish I could tell you just how I felt.
I don’t pray,
I shower and say goodnight to myself.
And when I close my eyes,
I feel like a page,
with a crossed-out name.”

Rewritten truths
by me

He built her up until she was tip-toe teetering up in the clouds
he wrote epic lines of wonder and wanting
each line another take on the spelling of her name
and the shadows that the sun would paint across her skin

The way he loved her was the way he loved the art within
the way he loved her a reflection of all of him
all he could be
all the means and ways he knew she should be

Somewhere in the processes and ink penned prose
he lost the girl inside the poet’s muse
and every line he came to cross
well it began to cross her out of

The things he would start to discover
to uncover
they were raw and real and full of newly exposed flaws
and they started to become the only thing he could see

The dark side of her bright eyed wonder began to take over
all the lies she hid behind
glaring like the fake glasses she used to hide behind
and all the discarded bottles of dye

The ever repeated
no, no I’m fine
no, no this is what I want 
no, no I love you, too

She would wake up shivering beside him
on the cold wood floor
pushed off in the midst of all his rewrites
and his never ending need to make her scream

He didn’t notice that she was starting to pretend
to fake all the shaking
all the play acting
the stereotype of his lost angel and whore

Maybe it was the invisible rosary hanging like a noose
the confessional booth off in the distance
begging for his dirty deliverance
the way he preferred her to be

Love the sin into the sinner
and if her innocence starts to show
drag it out of her on the page
like all the greats he admired

She tried to bend backwards
to keep her mouth dirty
and her body ever ready and clean
just waiting around for him to save her

Eventually she fell from the sky
eventually she turned away
eventually her eyes clouded over
and she began to hate everything about the way he saw her

He would curse her name
burn all the pictures and pages
take a lover within days of her leaving
because you can always just change the name

cross it out
erase the lines
rewrite the rewritten
start over

And he did start over
and she watched him from afar
squinting to see the new her next to him
crossing her fingers and hoping he’d never do it again

She whispers leave her name uncrossed
let her stories be hers to tell
maybe this time just let her be
and from here it seems that just what he’s done

Crossed Out Name (live) :: Ryan Adams

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