And it’s plain to see you were meant for me :: SOTD

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I move like a rat,
talk like a cat,
sting like a bee,
babe I’m gonna be your man
.”

I fell in love with a boy whose affections were meant for other boys, but at the time I don’t think either of us realized it yet. We were teenagers, naive and youthful and part of a small band of misfits rebelling against the limitations that our parochial school offered. His best friend became my confidante, and in some ways I think I was his, as well. Looking back, I think we both had fallen in love with that same boy, and that unspoken understanding became a cord connecting us. The three of us came from broken places, abuse and neglect and addictions, and for awhile we clung to that kind of shared pain. We didn’t talk much about it though, we didn’t wear it like a badge of honor, no, we acknowledged its presence in the room, turned the music up, and danced all over it. We dressed each other up, painted our faces, drove out of our conservative town and stayed out all night in Hollywood, becoming legends in our own reality. It broke my heart eventually, when everything started to unravel, truths revealing themselves, and the awkwardness that followed. I leaned forward into my own addictions to cover the pain of it all, wrapping myself into the warm embrace of denial and delusion, becoming my own definition of fabulous and free and fucked up. When we all split apart we didn’t look back. I tried to forget, we probably all did. Those bruised kids were still in us, but none of us wanted to see that anymore. I did not want to scratch at the surfaces of what the safety I felt with them meant. I was not ready for that kind of self-awareness. It would take years, and a major breakdown, for me to finally take a look at what it all meant for me, to realize things that hurt me in it, but things that healed me, too. It was those two beautiful, broken boys that helped me to trust being around boys at all, that helped me to try out being a girl with desires, to let myself fall in love, to transform somewhat from the abused girl who only knew the harm boys could do before I learned to see that the world is full of people who can love you and be kind to you, as well as people who can hurt you and be cruel. I learned to love and live and dance and be free with those two glamorous boys.

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20th Century Boy :: T-Rex

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