my invincible friend.
the thistle and the burr.
for you I have so many words.
I forget where we were.“
The connection was unexpected, unexplained, just something somehow understood between two people grasping hold of coffee cups as if they were fuel, as if they created some kind of safety, as if anything could keep two shivering souls warm. You smiled crookedly as you said my eyes were clear, open and kind. I never told you I thought the same of yours.
We pretended from the start to not recognize the complications, just like I pretended to not know who you were. Both of us removing judgment and each other’s pasts from the conversation, wrapping our quivering bodies inside a cocoon spun from our accidental meeting. We tried to sketch out moments without meaning, without any yesterday or tomorrow.
I took it as such, looking at it all as temporary and not mine to hold on to. I never thought you could ever be mine. I closed my eyes and walked past any naive expectations, assuring myself that once the cups were empty we would be gone.
So now what.
You words hover in the air between us, winged and hinged and soaked in indecision, in temptation, and in some kind of twisted version of hope. You hold out your hand to me, warm like that cup in my hand, like the way your arms once felt wrapped around me.
We have a past now, a yesterday, a what came before today, and now, at the same time, we have a what could be. I don’t know how to take it, or how to feel. You keep reaching, calling me to you, asking for nothing but a speck of time to sit and say something.
You suggest love,
a bridge we never dared to cross before.
The word, the notion, it is like a stinger piercing my skin, gashing me open, setting free the wrapped up pain I have learned to ignore, all this loneliness, and a sense of disappearing. It all bleeds out of me.
But you, my old coffee cup friend, I am so terrible at love. I am a mess you should just leave alone. A girl with a fractured heart that no one fights for once they see completely. I am the one you should just forget. You should just take that coffee to-go and run.
I Forget Where We Were (live) :: Ben Howard