Everyday is Halloween :: Ministry

So, what if tonight you realized that you were actually in a horror movie, that the room you are in was the first scene, or that drive you are about to take would ultimately lead you to some kind of gloom and doom. What if the apocalypse came-a-calling? What if that new next door neighbor had a big, big secret, one that starts with fangs and ends by not ending because, well, they are un-dead? Would you be ready to face it? Would you be prepared to survive? Would you be the Final Girl or Boy at the end of the movie, covered in dirt and grime and blood, but still breathing? Would you still be around for the sequel?

A keen gifts for men idea website, Man Crates, approached lyriquediscorde and asked what my husband and I would fill a “survive a horror movie” crate. Before we answer, though, I want to say that I take some issue with the “Man” in Man Crates, because hey, it isn’t just any one gender that would enjoy a crate full of coolness as a gift, especially if it came with a crow bar (take note Man Crates, maybe they should just be called Human Crates, eh?)

Charles’ crate would be one to withstand any and all end of days as we know it, a box stocked full of just the right weapon for nearly every cinematic chiller of a scenario. Here’s what he came up with:

As you will find my lovely wife has chosen to go with a more nesting list of items, which is great, frees me up for a more foraging list of supplies. I have broken my list down to cover various different movie scenarios. Bias most items in this list are useful in almost all situations, but I will list them in order of the genre of horror they inspired.

Charles’ Apocalypse Contingency Crate

“In Case of Zombie Apocalypse” Items:

Machete, Mace, Shotgun, Shotgun re-loader, primers, gun powder, hand-siphon, whet stones and P-38.

“In Case of Vampire Apocalypse” Items:

Machete, wooden stakes, garlic oil (vampire, werewolves), bible, cross, super soaker (to fill with “blessed” water) and whet stones.

“In Case of Werewolf Apocalypse” Items:

Shotgun, Shotgun re-loader, primers, gun powder, silver buckshot and almanac (to keep track of those pesky full moons).

“In Case of Alien Apocalypse” Items:

Small bottle of anthrax (if they can come all the way to earth to take us over, nothing is really going to help except to hope H.G. Wells was right, and our “bugs” can kill them).

“In Case of Monster Apocalypse” Items: Monster refers to Kaiju, mutants, patchwork men or giant bugs

Let’s face it folks, short of ordinance that you can’t get in a crate, the only useful item in this case is a blanket to hide under.

Now that you’ve read my husband’s artillery-heavy crate, which yes, is full of nearly every weapon imaginable (except maybe a crossbow), there are more to surviving than killing all the creatures. Though I take exception to the term “nesting”, I will agree that my take on the perfect survival crate takes a different approach. That said, this isn’t an assortment of items to build a home with, but a collection of necessities to help you survive (and yes, kill a few beasties, too).

If we get stuck in this horror movie netherworld together, I suppose “together” we will be more than prepared, though I am definitely the one that scares easily, and will most likely always take refuge over attack.

Laura’s I Know What You Need to Get Out of Here (so don’t scream) Crate

Keep Art Alive :: “Final Girl: Nancy” :: Art by Daniel Danny Dan

Medium-sized axe, mallet, batteries, portable phone charger, lighters, matches and flares…

Keep Art Alive :: “Final Girl: Sidney” :: Art by Daniel Danny Dan

Clean water, instant coffee, can opener, rope, revolver, bullets (wooden, silver, regular)…

Keep Art Alive :: “Final Girl: Stretch” :: Art by Daniel Danny Dan

Chainsaw, welly boots, rain slicker, first aid kit, pain killers, cyanide pills, motorcycle helmet with face visor, flashlight…

Keep Art Alive :: “Final Girl: Ginny” :: Art by Daniel Danny Dan

wooden stake, small knife, large knife, gauze, pocket warmers, gloves and night-vision goggles…

Keep Art Alive :: “Final Girl: Laurie” :: Art by Daniel Danny Dan,

headphones, music player loaded with music, water purification packets, book of edible plants, MRE packs, weather-proof double sleeping bag, and a wire hanger…

So, there you go…what would you want to put in your survival crate? What type of horror catastrophe do you think you’d have the best chance of surviving?

and don’t forget to stock your own crate…