“The thing is…
to love life,
to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you,
its tropical heat thickening the air,
heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it,
an obesity of grief,
how can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face between your palms,
a plain face,
no charming smile,
no violet eyes,
and you say,
I will take you.
I will love you,
~ Ellen Bass
Life and I have been having an argument lately, the kind that has no sense of reason to it, fights that become their own entity and take you over. I find myself in tears again earlier today, the messy kind, with breathing compromised, things leaking out of the nose and eyes, shaking and the familiar and unwelcome anxiety pounding inside my chest. But, breakdowns are messy, they are, and I know full well that this is what I am somewhat silently going through. I have no illusions that it is anything else. My emotions are overwhelming, as is this feeling of wanting to disappear. I feel misunderstood, even to myself, my own choice of words seem to betray what I want to say.
And yet, I can see outside the window just now a beautiful day, warm sun and cool breeze. This afternoon I was walking through one of my favorite spots in Hollywood, close to Capital Records, and the Music Box, and the memories that all the connecting streets are full of, the momentarily overtook me. For a moment I let go of some of these heavy emotions and I breathed in the city, smoggy air and all, and remembered what it all meant to me, the mix of beauty and decay, and how like life it all his, and that that is part of what I love about life, the flaws and the wonder. Sometimes it is necessary to remind yourself that you do love life.
I guess life and I have some making up to do, though I am unsure of how long it will take. I know that I am hurting, and that I am trying not to go numb. I need to feel all of this, and not worry that I will disappoint everyone by falling. And, yes, I need to remember that it is the beauty and the decay, the lovely and the ugly, that I have always loved in this life, and in the people I hold dear – and somehow let myself into that, too. I just wish I felt stronger, and not so alone.
Let Go (live) :: Imogen Heap
“It gains the more it gives,
and then rises with the fall.”