Keep Art Alive :: “Liberate and Fascinate” :: Art by Derek Gores
“Sometimes you really don’t,
really don’t know what I mean.
Sometimes you really don’t,
really don’t know what I need.”
There is a tricky game that is sometimes played when we chase around trying to please everyone in our own reality. We squeeze ourselves into roles and words, don masks of glee or sorrow, depending on what is needed, and wrap our arms around everyone imparting a sense of “I will be anything you want me to be”, and in it we also wear a war-torn badge of self-proclaimed martyrdom, an honor that we bestow on ourselves that is honestly not very honorable at all. Not living your life with your wants and needs included, and instead relying on just doing what everyone else wants, needs and desires, and waiting for them to lead the way, is actually a selfish act. It takes you out of the equation, and thus out of the responsibility of any action you take. It makes those around you often rely too heavily on you, turning what could be a healthy relationship into something that is potentially harmful and dysfunctional. It also completely inhibits intimacy. By never showing exactly who we are we keep at a distance, never allowing anyone to know us, or know our needs. This makes it impossible for anyone else to truly love us, and it also makes it impossible for anyone we claim to love to actually feel loved. Trust is completely thrown away when we only set out to please others because we are not trusting them to make us happy or to understand us, we are not trusting ourselves to open up to others, and we are not trusting in the give-and-take of human connection. In the end, we are keeping ourselves apart and navigating everything in a very calculating manner, we are acting as director and writer, but never using our own words or directions. We are controlling others by using their wants and needs, or at least our most likely skewed view of their wants and needs, to control them. It is a tricky game, a dangerous one, and ultimately a self-destructive one.
The person who allows themselves to be catered too that way, and “loved” that way, is not without guilt in it either. In order to truly love someone, and be in a real relationship with them, be it as a lover or a friend, we must stomp our feet sometimes and insist on balance. We need to ask questions, refuse to lead sometimes, step back and go “no, I need to know what you want/feel/need”, and persist towards a place where mutual trust can be achieved. This is no easy task, especially not when we all have so many insecurities, and often are fraught with so much past disappointment. We have to decide to be brave enough to expose who we really are, the good the bad and the boring, and just be ourselves. We need to stop hiding everything in our minds. But, honestly, who among us is brave enough to do that?
“So, just give me an hour,
I’ll show you how you feel.”
All In My Mind :: Love and Rockets