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Who was I before you?
I can’t remember.
Why couldn’t have I been the one to leave here first?

I love you,
but goodbye.”

Seems I am always leaving something, that I am always having to let something go, or someone. Maybe it is the same for everyone, the passing of time, the inevitability of getting older, the way that paths veer off in opposite directions and the way that things, and people, disappear. I don’t know, perhaps this is all a part of growing up.

I’m not always so sure that I like it so much, though.

Loss is a tricky thing to deal with. It is sticky and wrought with hidden trap doors and thorns that come up and grab hold at unexpected moments. I know I have had those times when I felt I was over something, or someone; that I was finally free of the sadness and grieving that one has to go through when they suffer a loss. But then, like a surprise attack by someone lurking in the back of a dark alley and leaping out, I have been struck by the pain of it all once again.

Music does it sometimes. That song that triggers a time, a place, or a person, and suddenly part of you is there. But, part of you is not anymore and that is when the pain hits. An aural ripping off of a bandage that still covers up a wound, even if you thought it was long since healed over. Some people never leave our bloodstream, some scars never heal over completely.

I had one of those such moments this morning, hearing this song. I was remembering how things were and how things are now, and how sometimes you can love someone deeply and still have to say goodbye. Though, I suppose the sadness hit because we never really did agree to say goodbye, it was more of me fading away into the distance as I have been known to do when I feel overwhelmed or feel as if I am in “this will just destroy my heart in the end” kind of place – maybe my disappearing was a goodbye.

It still hurts though; even now it still hurts. No matter what I still miss it, miss him. I think I always will.

What am I here for?
Who makes the decision?
For every beginning,
there must come an end.
I want to thank you, darling,
for all that you’ve given,
I want to thank you,
for being my friend.

She said,
I love you,
but goodbye.”

I Love You, But Goodbye (live) :: Langhorne Slim

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