Anything to make you smile :: musical sensory recall

angel

Keep Art Alive :: “Angel” :: Art by Sarah Joncas

But someone,
they could have warned you,
when things start splitting at the seams and now,
the whole thing’s tumbling down.

But, no one’s ever gonna love you more than I do.”

The unexpected moment came, silently pouncing from around a dark corner into the middle of what seemed so calm and clear – what is it they say, there is always a calm before the storm? I like to think it was just our insecurities taking a leap out into the center stage position, pushing us over and onto the floor temporarily because no one was supposed to be that happy. I like to think it was all made up of doubts and worry, mixed thoroughly and frosted with a light touch of vulnerability – a cake served up when neither of us were hungry (but we sure were afraid, weren’t we?)

What were we to do? There were never rule books for any of this, no warning lights spread across the sky, or horoscope predicted blue prints to follow. Sure, we had our friends to dispel their perspectives and experiences, all that sage advice that we half-listened to, wondering if it was true for us at all. Our intuition was upside down, tied up and blindfolded during those moments, drowned out by the off-kilter chorus of internal nay-sayers and sing-songs from the “you don’t deserve this” chorus.

Somewhere, though, somewhere deep down inside, we knew – we held on fast to our own truths and broken definitions of love – believing the answers were in there.

But, the shadows cast over, and all my darkest bits pushed and tugged on me, reflecting in everything I saw and heard. My truths turned sideways and towards me, shoving deserve painfully down my throat.

I sat up and looked right at you, my head and hands shaking. It was one in the morning and you were wearing that sweater that I love paired with those jeans that were falling apart everywhere, stained and worn in from work and life and you. Your hair was a mess, your eyes tired and squinting to look at me in the dim view from the porch light and our lit cigarettes. You never looked so beautiful to me as you did that night. You grabbed hold of my hand right then and I knew, and in that moment, for a single moment, the voices and the doubts and those feelings of frustration and fear all flew away.

I try to hold on to memories and moments like that, just like I try to hold on to myself, and to you, and to us. Sometimes I have to remember who I am in all of this, and know that I have always been the one to risk and jump and love, and that sometimes that is the best thing to do. Sometimes the only thing to do is to hold on to love.

No One’s Gonna Love You (live) :: Band of Horses

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