there’ll be no more crying.
the sun will be shining.
And, I feel that when I’m with you,
I know it’s right.”
Songbird (cover) :: Rosie Thomas
Words, along with music, are the things that I most cling to in this world. They are my truest forms of expression, my place of solace and release, and often the very things I hide myself within, most especially in times of my life when I have felt the most vulnerable. There are times that I look back on that I know would have done me in had it not been for the music, and my ability to spill things out on a canvas, of sorts. When I have felt at my lowest I have always found that writing until I cannot write anymore, until my fingers ached and my head felt less full (not sure my head will ever be empty) helped me to keep breathing, keep moving, and helped me to not fall apart completely. And, at my best of times? Sometimes the words slow, something that at one time bothered me because I thought “am I only leaving a trail of sorrow behind“? The only words to come back to, to revisit, to tell the story of my life – are they only made up of the low points? But, then again, perhaps it is in those absences that I can trace the moments I have truly engaged in life, and been celebrating me instead of curling into a ball of songs and sentences.
I am trying to forge a balance between lately, though. This past year, well it has been quite the carnival ride of emotions, and I think for a spell I just wanted to dwell in it, roll about in the days, and not try to define it all so much. But, the consequence of that meant it was all spinning around in my head so much that I could not sleep (not that I sleep well ever) and I lost a bit of the clarity I find when I write, with the music playing in the background. And then something happened, or many things happened, and I turned around and started writing more, and more, and more. I would love to say that it made it all come clear, my doubts and confliction, my despairs and confusion, my wayward heart and mind. Well, it did not, but it did, it does, help me to keep going on. IT also helped in my deciding that there were things in my life I wanted to reach out for, whether they worked or not, because maybe all that contemplation, and self-searching my music and writing had always been striving for, is actually working.
Today marks my own New Year’s Day, as every birthday marks for me, and I find myself still searching for a place where I belong, still seeking a path that I think I have always been attempting to uncover, and still wondering where it is that I am meant to land. Perhaps it is here, or maybe it is somewhere else, that remains to be seen. I have shed certain things in my life this past year, certain fears, certain people, certain self-doubt and self-loathing that has had me so stalled in the whole “really living” thing. And, I have been trying to let myself be so much more open, and consequently more vulnerable, which at times has gifted me with soaring happiness and painful sorrow, but at least I am feeling. I let my heart fall and rise in the most amazing of ways, as well. Right now, well these days have the potential of being the best of my life. I know right now I feel more alive than I ever have, and even though there are parts of me that are still very afraid, and parts of myself that still doubt, I am trying to just be myself and hang on to things I hold dear – music and writing right up there in the midst of it all.
“And the songbirds keep singing,
like they know the score,
and I love you, I love you, I love you,
like never before, like never before.”
Songbird :: Eva Cassidy