bird girl by 2h

Keep Art Alive :: “Bird Girl” :: Art by 2H

I got nothing to say I ain’t said before,
I bled all I can,
I won’t bleed no more.”

Sometimes it takes the simple action of stepping away from a situation to find the perspective that you felt you were lacking. That whirlwind of overwhelm and convoluted emotion can take you over, drag you down, and steal from you all that passion and inspiration you once were full of. I feel as if recent things have become the eruption and implosion of the past ten years. That I had held so many things inside, swallowing sharp pieces and decaying lies, still painting on the illusion of strength and survival.

I have it still, all that strong arms and that shooting sense of I can get through anything, and will. But, it has been damaged, there are places that need to heal, scars that have been re-opened and sting with disappointment, and disillusionment. There are these dents and cracks in the ground that I keep tripping over, twisting my ankle and scraping my knees; you would think by now I would know how to avoid them, how to step around, or just jump across. But, I am ever naive, stupidly romantic, and trusting of people that I should keep at a safe distance.

And I can hear the discord and rhyme from people as I stumble on by, the echo and refrain of will she never learn?

I have learned things, and I have made repeated mistakes, especially in regards to trusting others with my heart, my feelings, my words. But, these were my mistakes to make, my misguided angels to fall for, my misaligned strung up hallelujahs to sing. Part of it has been allowing myself to be too many things to too many people, and invariably never enough for anyone. I know this, I preach this, I take it to be part of my personal tenant; and yet, somehow I get hooked (again), and fooled (again).

I so often find myself drawn to hazy images of true connection, that inferred feeling of being understood and of belonging. Seems so ridiculous, doesn’t it? To be in my early forties and still longing for that sense of fitting in. It truly is rubbish, and so blatantly adolescent. But, when you never had a functional family, when you lacked the rebellion and playfulness of youth, when you never truly got to be a child, a teenager, or a young woman – well, something somewhere has to give. Eventually you will make these mistakes that those around you, even those younger than you, will shake their heads at and think why would you even need this at all?

For what it’s worth I do not think it wrong to need connection, and to cling to where you find it. And, I do believe that you can make real friendships with people even if you start out as just part of a story, shared or not.. No matter that I have been hurt in these sorts of situations does not mean that I do not believe in their positive existence or how they can be something truly incredible. Hurt and disappointment happens, no matter where you meet someone, and no matter how long you have known them. I refuse to feel less than for opening up to people. I may be stupid, but I do not regret the way I love or open up, to anyone.

All that said, though, I have found myself in a state of exhaustion and realization that I have spread myself too thin lately and that in this moment I need to pull back, re-adjust the life-lens, shake myself free from the drama and expectations, and perhaps just swirl and swim around in my writing, and my life, for awhile. I need to heal from some things. I need to find myself (again), and I need to keep writing because my soul aches when I do not let the words out. I need to get back to being okay with just being me, and, no, this has nothing to do with any one person’s words, actions, or deeds; even though there are those who have hurt me lately – whether they intended to, or not. That is all part of life, though, isn’t it?
 In the immortal words of the character of Clementine, from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I am just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.
And now, if you don’t mind, I need to dance.

This Corrosion :: Sisters of Mercy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s