No hero in her sky :: song of the day

have my heart

Keep Art Alive :: “Have My Heart” :: Art by Joshua Petker

And so it is,
the colder water,
the blower’s daughter,
the pupil in denial.”

I am not sure when it began, or what started me believing that in love I had to give everything that I am in order to deserve to be loved back. Not that I do not think that love should be about giving, but somewhere along the line there was a disconnect inside of me that transmitted this message that I was the one that needed to give, and give until I had nothing left, and that I should not expect to ever receive anything back. That love, for me, was about taking care of the other person’s needs and wants; that if there did not exist this never ending list of needs to fulfill, and issues that needed my care and attention, that I was not needed, or I suppose deserving, of love.

For a girl who swore up and down that she would never be a mother, I certainly spent even my formative years trying to mother the boys I chose to love. I look back at my past relationships and it is so glaringly obvious that I would come into their lives and slowly but surely become something they relied on, and unfortunately ended up taking for granted. I do believe it became such a part of who I am that it showed on my skin, on the way I put myself out into the world, and in the way I interacted, because every consecutive relationship seemed to become more and more of this situation. Bring me your wounded, your broken, your addicted, your mentally and emotionally unstable and I will put on my best nurses dress and break out all my glue sticks and transparent tape, and I will fix you.

What becomes of the nurse in this, though? What becomes of the mothering lover who later becomes an actual mother? And, what happens when she breaks? I have learned to run this race of being everything to the other person in a relationship that it has become a default, an auto-pilot setting, and as one of my dearest friend told me once, it becomes part of the system. And, I know some of this goes back to never really feeling mothered myself, that I took on that role of caretaker even to my own mother before I even reached adolescence. Somewhere along the way, even the family I was born into weaved together expectation with love.

This is where it gets tricky, though, as i sit here trying to sift through my definitions of love; because honestly I think that giving is intrinsic and vital to love, and that there is a great deal of trust exchanged when one gives themselves over to someone else. I do not want to veer so far from who I have been that I do not still long to make another person happy, fulfilled, possibly better. But, all these untouched parts of me, all my own gaping holes of want and need, they are so neglected that now they are charging forward in some kind of emotional revolt. I do not know how to deal with them, I do not know how to manage anything that I want myself. Often all I seem to do is collapse a little bit more every time anyone even reaches out a hand, or mentions the way things could be. The smallest things, the most simple acts of kindness, they can bring me to tears.

There has to exist this combination in love. I know I have found it in friendship, and in that realm I seem to be able to accept it so much better. But with love, the idea of not being the one to give and give and give, to even think about allowing someone to give to me anything – even the things that seem small and trivial, it opens up this gulf of vulnerability deep inside. But, I want it. I want to be loved in the way I love, and I want to be able to embrace that in my life. I just wish I was not so scared of accepting it, of changing that part of me that blocks it so often, to learn to actually feel like I deserve to be loved – because deep down in those parts of me that I do not share often, and that I do not exactly understand – I do not believe I deserve love.

The Blower’s Daughter (live) :: Damien Rice

4 thoughts on “No hero in her sky :: song of the day

  1. Wow, a sad and beautiful post – I played the song in the background as I read it. And everyone deserves love. Everyone. We all want to find relationships in our lives that involve us compromising the least of ourselves… and those relationships are out there. But trusting other people enough to find out, enough to open ourselves that little bit more… that’s the tricky bit.

    On a Damien Rice note… I’ve been lucky enough to see him play in London twice. A great songwriter and performer. Been waiting years for his new album.

    1. I’ll start on the Damien front: I have yet to see him play live, though I would love to – I have heard nothing but great things, and have devoured all the live videos and music I can find. And yes, he is overdue for a new album, most definitely!

      On the rest, yes, yes I agree…it is more about facing my own limitations, doubts and those inner voice chorus of crap that we all have to learn to get over. The tricky part for me is trust and opening up, but I’m working on it…just feels like it has taken FAR TOO LONG.

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment, and for finding my blog, hope you enjoy your stay.

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