We all want something beautiful :: song of the day

feathered

Keep Art Alive :: “Feathered” :: Art by Kelly Haigh

I remember falling in love with acting, with performing, with the sound of my own voice echoing from the walls of a stage, with the sound of applause, and, most of all…most definitely of all…being able to slip into the skin and words of someone else. To lose myself in a role, to be disguised, to be seen as someone so far away from me, the freedom in that was like a drug – contagious, addictive, and divine.

I sat around with the other “actors“. I admired them more than I ever let on. I sat there, day-after-day, on the edge of their looks and lashes, listening to everything they had to say. I breathed it in. I loved the way that it felt like finally fitting somewhere; I wanted to fit, so badly.

Part of me grew in the realm of the theater, blossomed, and developed into someone who was not afraid of her own shadow anymore. I spoke with a brazen speed and sound, laughed aloud, and dove right into the script pages, the open curtains, and the applause. But, there was a darker part of , the side of me that was always so full of self-judgment. The voice inside with the pen and paper and fat red pen, jotting down my mistakes, marking through my flaws, x-mark-the-spotting my trap doors. I let that voice take front row center, gave her a VIP passport, and let her overtake the vision of who I was. She laughed at me in my mirrored reflection, told me lies< said you want everyone to love you, but look at you.

And, I fell.

I wanted the arms of those around me to swoop me up and save me. I wanted them to flood me with confidence, lift me back up. I wanted to be a star; we all do, do we not? I wanted to not hear that voice anymore. I wanted to be able to see me, and not want to destroy what the “me” that I saw.

I was at a loss. I could not find the solution, not without an exit stage left, so, I exited, I disappeared, I left it all behind.

Sometimes I still miss it, deep within me, yes, I miss it.

Writing and music, they fuel me much deeper, I think. They gift me the parameters and boxes of layers and costumes to try on, to step into and explore…and create. I think this is what I was more suited towards, where my confidence lies, where I feel my strength and abilities contrast, collide, and become something. I know most of what I write is made up of rambling thoughts and reflections on feelings, more often than not inspired by song (music ever the muse), but I try to get it out there – everyday a little more – and if nothing else I am leaving an ink-stained (or keyboard stroked) legacy of something of me.

Mr. Jones :: Counting Crows

We all want to be big, big stars,
but we got different reasons for that.”

4 thoughts on “We all want something beautiful :: song of the day

    1. They are still around…released an album of covers last year, and I believe they toured with it, as well.

      Thanks for your comment and the compliment.

    1. They are one of my most favorite bands, especially August and Everything After, as well (on my top album list). They are tremendous live, as well.

      Thanks for your comment/feedback.

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