The safety net collapsed, ripped apart, a worn than discarded cap and gown leaving me exposed and naked. It was time to go on from the one year of my adolescence that had healed more than harmed. I wanted to maintain the freedom I felt in that last year and carry it with me. Change, change, change, oh, how I relished it, despised it, feared it, and caressed it. I decided on a path of glitter and escape, and I became quickly drunk off of it . Applause, masks, denial, I was not ready to give any of it up, yet. He used to give me a ride in his old mustang. He had black and grey hair that made him appear old beyond his youth. I wrote lines to say to him the night’s before,  constantly trying on my best impression of a 1950’s starlet, for him. I never quite caught more than a few stolen moments of friendship.

They called one night with an invitation. I would never have been able to guess what it would start, me saying yes. What a simple black dress, too new of shoes, and a desire to be something unforgettable would do. I was bursting with anticipation as I rode along in a car full of boys who loved boys, singing-a-long, a part of me wanting to just be them. My feet hurt, my heart raced, and I felt utterly out of place, but I kept smiling. I tried not to look so blown away. There were wigs, glamor and glam rock, tequila shots, rainbow colored cigarettes, used needles on the bathroom floor that I stepped over them. I took it all in, inhaled it all deeply, spun around, spin, spin, spun, my silences turning into lipstick stains. I was pulled in fast and hard and completely. This was a better disguise than any role I ever attempted to play in my theater classes with the 50’s throwback with the black and grey hair, or maybe it was just another role I took on to play, back then.

It is strange and surreal, the re-telling of my life, in  all of these brief prosaic spurts, to notice the things that show themselves, and recognize the things that still hide. Our recollection, and our personal perceptions, are precarious and intriguing, would you not agree?

Rose Tint My World :: Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast

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