Daddy gave me away, then he walked away :: video of the day

Father of Mine :: Everclear

First on the recommended list on youtube is Everclear’s song about growing-up without a present father, and how that impacts an adult who is now a parent. The video captures that feeling of reflection and resentment, as we see the lead singer, Art Alexakis, revisit moments of his growing-up years where the absence of his father was most impactful.

The video, and the song, throw quite a punch to me, as the subject matter is far too close to my heart, and my life – both as a daughter of an absent father, and later an abusive stepfather, and the mother of three kids who have absent fathers. Especially these lyrics, which always bring tears:

“I will never be safe,
I will never be sane,
I will always be weird inside,
I will always be lame.
Now I’m a grown man,
with a child of my own,
and I swear, I’ll never let her know,
all the pain I have known
.”

As a single mother for many years, and the only biological parent still in my childrens’ lives, I am always wanting to believe that I can be everything to them, and that somehow turning myself inside out to be everything will make up for their missing fathers, but deep down I know nothing ever truly makes up for it. That said, I am deeply grateful for my husband who is a wonderful stepfather to them, and to my own stepfather (not the bad one from my own childhood, but the one who has been in my life for 17 years strong), for being there for us, and showing us what a father is.

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