Suddenly everything has changed

“Driving home,
the sky accelerates,
and the clouds all form,
a geometric shape,
and it goes fast,
you think of the past.”

I’ve been reading this book of poetry that deals with the lifespan of a relationship from the writer’s perspective. each poem is a glimpse into a moment of these two people, allowing the reader to peer momentarily through the often blurry window pane, and then the image fades, shifts, and evolves. It is both a beautiful and painful read to me because the voice in the poetry, the colored lens I am seeing through as I read, is so relatable to my own sense of vision and feeling. I recognize the patterns, the doubts, the insecurities, and the vulnerabilities and I often wince, my eyes stinging with the threat of tears, and that pin-prickly recognition begins to dance on my skin as if to say “you know this, don’t you?”

And, I do know it. I battle with the ghosts and shadows of self-doubt and my past all the time. I know where the holes are in my armor, and how certain fears break them open, leave me far too vulnerable. I know I have often made the kind of mistakes that leave scars, some of them permanent, and trusted what I thought was love, or at least kindness. It is hard to trust myself, and my instincts, on days like today when a long list of failures are thrown in my face. Though, to be honest, I do not need anyone to remind me – I do just fine beating myself up all on my own.

Consequently, I have built a wall around me for a good long time. often people do not notice it because in words, and writing, and to others, I often seem to bleed out everything of myself. But there are parts of me that are so guarded, and hidden away, that after a while I think I just forget that I am even capable of feeling certain things at all anymore. So, how do I proceed if I decide to take the walls down, trust someone enough to give the guards a leave of absence, or in actuality, trust myself to choose and love and protect my own heart.

I am trying…I am.

Suddenly Everything Has Changed :: The Postal Service

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