Mortality and I have never met up, not really, not even when I lost someone who had once meant the world to me. Though I must admit, as I sit here sifting through the contents of my head, and the feelings that spin and shake inside myself, I know that his death probably has more to do with this recent meeting with mortality than I readily realize; mourning and acceptance takes a great deal of time to run its course and land, if it ever really does, into something close to closure.

It was a recent illness that pushed the meeting, and I was suddenly aware in an internal, in my blood, intrinsic kind of way that as a mortal who is in her nearly mid-forties I should probably start taking better care of me. Being so ill shook me up and woke me up, and I started making life changes. One of the big life changes has been to be stronger, and a gym membership is part and parcel to this endeavor. I am taking this quite seriously and I have had to put my persistent side into overdrive, especially when rising out of bed at 4am to make it to an early morning cycling class.

This morning was a rough one as I had fitful sleep, at best, last night. I had been fighting off insecurity demons in my dreams, something that happens on occasion, the subconscious battle more with me than anyone else, though in dreams the demons take the shape of those I love. This kind of nocturnal fighting is exhausting, and I end up waking from them more worn than when I had originally gone to bed. That was me this morning.

But, I persisted. I am quite stubborn and honestly, when mortality “comes a ’knocking” you are wont to pay attention. I keep likening this to slayer training, and picturing Buffy kicking ass is helping me, but I still hit walls sometimes, like this morning.

Towards the end of the cycling class, dripping with sweat and with staggered breath, I hit an “I don’t know if I can do this” wall. Right then, this song came on. It was exactly what I needed, and it felt as if it were singing just to me, cheering me on. In my head I repeated “don’t stop me now” even after the song had ended, a necessary mantra that helped carry me to the end. And, well, I was also picturing slaying zombies, a’la Shaun of the Dead, as  well.

Music is always there, saving me.

Don’t Stop Me Now :: Queen

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