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Driving alone with the music turned up high, I allow myself this moment to disappear into the sounds. i catch myself in the rearview mirror, startled at the sight, seeing myself fade. It is about once a year that I re-visit the memory of it all, and without realizing it, without completely acknowledging the fact, it is always at the end of Summer.

It was very late Summer when we met. the air was so dry that we kept finding our way to water. We both had that connection, it was why you said you had moved so close to the ocean, and why you never felt close to where you had come from.

After all these years I can still recall the way your eyes darted away from mine, and darkened, when you spoke of where you had come from, alluding only to a fellow surivor, just why you had left. I could see the shadows still lurking close behind, and how you tried so hard to recreate who you were. I would recognize that kind of lost anywhere; I still see it in myself on darker days.

The Summer will end as it always does, and I will put you back into the box of yesterdays, or at least this version of you. But for now, in this moment, you are everywhere – in my dreams, in the music I hear, in the eyes of strangers in the elevator ride I take every morning, and even in the book I am reading.

So be it.

“Ouch I have lost myself again,
lost myself,
and I am nowhere to be found.”

Breathe Me :: Sia

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