That’s the kinda girl I am

“I’ll stay beside you,
I’ll never leave,
or tell you all those lies that you’d never believe.”
:: Sinead O’Connor & Shane MacGowan

Past writing :: written October 2, 2009

today the music is speaking to me
carrying me off to an embrace of melody
the trigger-gun reaction of emotive lyrical flash-floods
with every song that shuffles towards me
i am gifted something impossible to turn from
or ignore

today i feel the music sweeping through me
lilting, luscious, lush
as i try to wash clean a grey day
a grey mood
a grey me

today i find myself wishing for the same persistence
that i pour into all of this and that the inner working tick-tock clocks of insecurity
would duct tape their mouths shut
and just leave me be

i just want to be cared for
and believed
this time
because this time
it really matters to me

this one right here plays in the shape of my memory case
causing me to realize that music is so fluid
so full of pieces and words and feelings
often the turn of phrases laden with things i wish i could speak aloudto you

all things left unsaid seem to melt right into the next track
feelings and fears becoming part of the pages of my life
every song i take the time to memorize
and sing along with
becomes the soundtrack behind the images that pass themselves off as a day
and some of these i keep for good
so that i can go back
put on repeat
turn back open the liner notes and have that moment
when a line i hear in my head
is different
and redirects the way i see things now

this afternoon could become
the side of the tape i will rewind
and play
again and again
until the neighbors bang on the wall in pleas and agony
begging to never play that fucking song again

and i wonder now through stinging eyes
how the stories will hold up in the end
will i sit with my grandchildren tugging at my sleeve
holding the hand of the love i take there with me
and will i read to them from the lines on my hands
show them the flickering images of a life
that will still play behind my half closed eyes
will i still remember the refrain before the last verse
of all those remembered melodies

someone will be there with me (i hope)
mocking at what a sentimental thing i’ve become
while inside they smile
because we all cherish the stories shared
of our own existence
perhaps they will correct my additions
and enhancements
add in the erased letters that i choose to forget
whisper that the truth does not need painting over
with glitter
or exaggerated pause
but they all know that sometimes
that is just how i am
and anyway
color changes everything
just like the contents of a song

Haunted :: Sinead O’Connor & Shane MacGowan

Leave a Reply