There is a moment when you know it is all coming to an end. No one has to say a word, or acknowledge the closing curtain, it is there circling around like a vulture, a barely their aura of no more. Sometimes there is an audible sigh of regret. Other times there is that bittersweet surge of excitement, change can bring that to the surface, even if it arrives dressed in a cloak of melancholy. For me, there is always that hiccup of uncertainty that gives me a pause of doubt. More often than not, I feel ill prepared for life’s thrown curves. I am still that girl last picked for a team in P.E., not only for my skills (or lack thereof), but because I posture myself unsure. That insecurity is a beacon cutting through a midnight sky, no one misses it. And in that reaction there is misguided confirmation, giving me more reason to pause in the doorway of change. I stand there, shifting my weight from foot to foot, weighing the consequence of what comes next against what I leave behind. It is in those teetering moments that I have been known to give up, give in, and give another chance. That’s a heap of gives right there, and with it comes the imbalance, and the half-cocked door that was meant to be closed.
Imbalance, well it fits as clumsily and awkward as uncertainty, yet they do not readily mesh with each other. They make for strange bedfellows, and leads to strings of sleepless nights, hours of emotion-heavy playlists, chain-smoked cigarettes, and the thought bubbled run on sentences always ending with a questioned what if.
Sometimes I think I need to learn to shut the door and lock it. Sometimes I think I need to get on the train and let it take me away, with a wave goodbye, or not. Sometimes I think I need to learn it is alright to let things, and people, go. Sometimes I have to realize that it is in the midst of uncertainty, when the road is rough, when I feel a bit lost, that I grow stronger.
I need to remember that deep down I thrive on change and challenge, that it is a space that I grow in, and that I am capable of many things even if I feel smaller and less than some days. That is just fear nagging at me, and it is surmountable. Sometimes I have to let me go, too.
Frankie Rose, previously of the Crystal Stilts, Dum Dum Girls and the Vivian Girls, with the song Night Swim from her new album, Know Me (2012)
Listen to something new today.