There were times when I hated you. When just the heat of your breath on the back of my neck would make me want to scream. Especially on the nights when you had finished off more than a bottle’s worth of bourbon, and run the gamut of your intense mood swings. I would lie there next to you, pulling myself as close to the edge as I could without falling. Positioning my body as far from you as I could. I’d struggle to fall asleep, staring wide awake at the walls, focusing in on the small cracks in the blinds that let in small shards of light from the street lamp outside. I’d stay like that for what seemed like hours, plotting out escapes. I kept half-torn maps in my purse that I’d unfold during lunch breaks, marking possible destinations with a red felt-tip pen. Money was stashed away in taped envelopes, tucked into the back of a drawer, my “savings”.
You always ended up finding the envelopes. Spending them. Leaving the top slashed open and an IOU slid inside.
“I watched you suffer,
a dull aching pain.
Now you’ve decided,
to show me the same.
But no sweet, vain exits,
or offstage lines,
could make me feel bitter,
or treat you unkind.”
“Wild Horses” by The Rolling Stones
from the album, Sticky Fingers (1971)
Song Of The Day – September 26, 2011
I dreamt all the time of people from my past. They’d all be decked out in silvery clothing, and loaded up with fantastical strengths, and wisdom. In those dreams, they were all coming to carry me away. To save me. Deep down, though, I had no real intention of leaving you. Somewhere in all the mess of who we were, I was tethered and tied, and well, I loved you. So, I hurt and I stumbled. I loathed and I cried. And yes, I thought of leaving. But mostly I held on and kept going, until I just couldn’t hold on anymore.