There was this awkward moment between us as we stood at the door to my hotel room. Everything had gotten so quiet now that we had left the casino, and were inside, off the noise and chaos of the Strip. You could hear our breathing.. I mean, it was so quiet I thought I could hear my heart beating. Maybe yours, too. A red blush of heat crept up my neck, traveling across my cheeks. It made me feel self-conscious, nervous. Pin-prickles of electricity danced up and down my legs, arms, all over every inch of my skin. This had all the makings of a first kiss moment, yet both of us were hesitating. You’d later tell me that you suddenly doubted my interest. For me, in that moment, I was plagued with doubt, too. Mostly in myself.
I couldn’t figure out why you’d want to kiss me, but I wanted you to kiss me. So badly.
“It’s easier to lie,
and be safe.
Time and time again,
I’m half stalled.”
“Grazed Knees” by Snow Patrol
from the album, Final Straw (2004)
Song Of The Day – September 8, 2011
It all had happened so quickly. There’d been this instant connection, hadn’t there? Or had it all been a bunch of made-up wishing constructed in my imagination? Was I fabricating the feelings of mutual attraction that I’d been so certain of back at the Hard Rock? Was he just bored and just looking for someone to waste some time with? Was I his waste of time?
Why would he be attracted to someone like me? There’s no way. He’s so out of my league.
That question, and those self-loathing thoughts, make me cringe to see written out in front of me because they are all the product of so much insecurity and abandonment and fear. But, that’s who I was then. It’s who I am still, on my not so shiny days.
Our first kiss didn’t happen there, outside my hotel room. We spoke a few words, both of us stuttering and shaky, and then we shared a clumsy hug. I rushed inside then and shut the door tightly between us. Throwing the lock. I stayed there, frozen, for what seemed like a lifetime. I slid down to on to the carpet, tucking my knees in tight to my chest. I felt breathless and dizzy, and so full of what-if regret. I was so careful to protect myself, to not take risks, to not make a first move and be wrong. But I’d been wrong to be so scared. It had made me miss out on something I truly wanted. I sat there, lying to myself, though, listing off all the reasons we could never have happened. Sometimes safety is the most dangerous place to exist in. Those lies we tell to keep ourselves unharmed, they harm us more than any truths or rejection ever could.
We did get a first kiss. On another night. In a different moment. But, it could have been that night. For so many reasons it should have been that night.