I’ve been reading a fantastic book of essays and recollections, all set to music. ‘Talking To Girls About Duran Duran’ by Rob Sheffield. It reminds me of writing a personal life history to go along with a collection of mixtapes, which is very much how I like to write and create stories. That’s what this blog is, too. The book has me thinking, and remembering, different parts of my life. I’ve been internally forming a “what I learned from…” in my head for the last two weeks. This month, I’m going to pull from some of these stories that have been floating around in my head. Set to music, of course.
“The rhythm of my footsteps,
crossing flood lands to your door,
have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row.”
“Transatlanticism” by Death Cab For Cutie
from the album, Transatlanticism (2003)
Song Of The Day – September 2, 2011
For the music, I’m utilizing a list of my top 1,000 songs that I compiled around this time last year. They will be my soundtrack, my mixtape, my muse for this memory excavation. Which brings us to today’s song choice. My number 2 all-time favorite song from Death Cab For Cutie, and damn, it fits perfectly with one of the personal reflection/life-lessons I’ve been thinking on.
What I learned from being in a long-distance relationship, with music by Death Cab For Cutie.
There’s many lessons I learned while being in a long-distance relationship, spanning everything from cell phone plan adjustments, to time zone challenges, from how to expediate a passport, to frequent flyer discounts, and so many other complications. But, the biggest thing I learned from the experience is actually simple and straightforward – long -distance relationships are not for me.
My emotional landscape, and the things I need within the parameters of love/relationship/lovers are in now way whatsoever compatible to distance and miles and far aways.
I need touch and body language, kisses that aren’t lower case x’s, shared breaths, and the kind of connection that requires eye contact and physical touch. All the ugly parts of me seem to unleash when distance and long spans of time apart are in the mix. Jealousy simmers and steeps, eventually boiling and running over and out of me. My self-esteem becomes shakier, and that parts of me that are insecure nearly all the time grow exponentially. I feel misunderstood and neglected all the time, and my reactions become rough, ragged, and erratic. I end up becoming a person that doesn’t feel like me, at all.
We tried. We had different perspectives on what we were, but regardless, I like to think we tried. There were things that us trying helped in my life, parts of me that were initially awakened and for that, I will always be grateful. And, the travel was amazing. There are memories revolved around airports, hotel beds, coffee shops, bars, and cinemas that I will carry with me forever, and would not trade for the world. And, well, I realized I could fall in love again – something else the trying with us resurrected.
Most days and nights I was terribly lonely, and my insecurities took a huge toll on me. I felt hurt more than I felt loved. And, after awhile, I couldn’t see any possibility of how we could make it all work. In the end, I realized that my heart was the one more invested, and that any brave and bold moves would have to be from me. Without any kind of certainty of reciprocation of a real kind of love I could not take the risk.
My heart was already breaking. I didn’t it to break any further.
I learned though, and I do not regret a single moment. I just know I can never do it again. Not at a distance.