I realized some time during this past weekend that pretty much everything in my life right now means a significant amount to me. My heart is invested in just about every facet of every part of my life. And, subsequently, for the first time in my life I feel that fear of losing what I have, and I am strangely thankful for it. For that fear.
“With eyes completely open,
but nervous all the same.”
“Absolute Beginners” by Carla Bruni
from the compilation album, We Were So Turned On: A Tribute To David Bowie (2010)
Song Of The Day – August 9, 2011
The original (above) by David Bowie.
It may seem odd to be thankful for fear, but I am. I’ve spent so much of my life with one foot on the floor, ready to bolt, ready to flee out the door. Be it a relationship I was in where I consciously and knowingly cared less, or a job that I was only half-invested in so that I’d be okay if I lost it, moved, or went on to something else. Even the places I’ve lived have felt like temporary stays to me. I’ve always been looking off into the future, waiting for the next thing, the next change, the next new place to land.
I’m pretty sure it’s been due to my own insecurities, fear of abandonment and failure, and a resistance to commitment. I know that it helped to feel safe, and in control, to live like that. But, it’s also kept me from really being involved in anything, or every really allowed me to let go.
As much as it scares me that I could lose what I have, I am so much happier letting myself care this much, be so invested, give so much of myself, and love this much.