Header photo by Dave Hogan
Insomnia is a condition that is hard to describe. Those who understand and those who wrestle through the night with Ladysleep, and all her whims and fickle nature. In the silent hours of what some call the middle of the night seems to slow down, the world itself pausing. When I can’t sleep I often feel like there is nothing but my own thoughts to share the silence with.
“I can’t get to sleep.
I think about the implications,
of diving in too deep,
and possibly the complications.
Especially at night,
I worry over situations that,
I know will be alright.
It’s just overkill.”
“Overkill” by Men At Work
from the album, Cargo (1983)
Song Of The Day – March 2, 2011
Fear and worry all come to play when the time shifts into that sleepless crawl. They come with party hats and streamers. Stress, and her true love forever, Regret, they show up, too, each of them carrying cans of gawdy colored paint to throw all over my bedroom walls, and mark up my skin with. The splattered words they leave spell out all the weaknesses and insecurities I try to swallow down and ignore in the light of day. My awake self begins to shrink and shake, and all that’s left for me to do is face the carousers head on, or hide under my now too big comforter and wish them away.
Sometimes I convince myself it’s only my imagination. I remind myself that I am an over-thinker and a worse-case-scenario creator, as I try to lull myself into a haze of calm.
Sometimes I make up stories in my head. Impromptu, made-up dramas that I can navigate and manipulate, and make my own. Other times, I just let the music play over me, turning up the volume, attempting to re-set the beating of my heart to the sonic beat of a song.
It’s a way past midnight battle, one that many fight more nights than not. In those tangles and tosses we all feel alone. And that kind of loneliness, like the kind insomnia brings, is something I never can quite describe. You either know, or you don’t.
On the nights “I know”, I try to remember that I will be alright, that I’m having just another social engagement with Miss Insomnia and her gang of misfits and miscreants.